Friday, October 31, 2008

A special place...

There is a special place, complete with numerous spa treatments and regular massages, in heaven, or whatever you believe in, for toddler teachers.

Today I was a parent volunteer at M's daycare for trick or treating. Her daycare is in a building downtown, and some of the businesses in the building like having the kids come around for trick or treating. Since they are not all the most compliant bunch, they do it in their buggy and large strollers. However, that only seats 12, so parents help out with the other two, and keeping everyone happy. M rode in her own stroller, and we hit seven or so offices, the kids elicited oo's and awwws. When it was done, the three parents left, and the teachers had 14 hungry, tired, somewhat dramatic about taking costumes off, kids. And we didn't even let them have any candy.

Wow. I... could not do what they do, sanely. Now I understand why they gush so much over how M is a mellow and easy going kid. Sure, she still seems to not always hear what they say, but... they're saints.

I never really had an overwhelming urge to do much for M's other teachers, but now I'm trying to figure out just how much I can budget for. I wonder how much hiring someone to do chair massage for a couple of hours is...


Best costume of the day, one of the boys was a cave man. Complete with an animal print diaper cover... and nothing else. Apparently his older brothers are dinosaurs.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Changes abound

When I agreed to start working for Savvy Source, I really had no idea what I was getting in to. It was a lot more than I ever imagined. It is stressful, it has hurt some relationships, and it has complicated many things. I do love doing it though.

One of the things I knew I needed to do when I created this blog to go along with my new more public persona, was try and make it worth it for me. You'll notice that little thing over on the left, and a few text ads. They're mostly just an incentive to spell check. Well, and stress relief seeing what the text ads sometimes show, so very funny.

As part of those changes, I've also started a review blog to go along with this one. I call it A Sprout Reviews. Clever, no? Right now it is just a shameless plug for my favorite kids shoes in the hopes that someone would give me some free ones. However, watch that space, because soon there will be an actual real honest someone actually asked me my opinion review.

Yeah, I know, who would have ever thought I would be opinionated.

Please forgive that it isn't pretty right now, I'm working diligently on that. Just waiting on the perfect photo.

WW - Warm Fall Day

It was really nice when we got home today, so I decided to try and take some pictures to take advantage of the leaves from our gigantic (it dwarfs our house on google earth) silver maple in the front yard and get a nice fall pic. M decided to run around the tree, which combined with the fact it was starting to get darker, meant fuzzy pictures. I tried a couple of effects on Picnik to mitigate it.

More Wordlessness.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Now all we need is a size 2T leather jacket

Today we had M's first parent teacher conference. I won't go in to how impressed I am that in the 16 or so months she's been in daycare, that this is the first time we've had a chance to actually have her evaluated and sit down with a teacher.

I won't go into how happy I am that after concerns because she didn't roll over, was just starting to crawl by the time many of her peers walked, and we had to delay her starting her new daycare because she wasn't walking, that her gross motor skills are all right on track.

I won't go into how our babbly baby went from "talking" all the time, to not making much noise and that one month, turned two months, turned four months of ear infections turned into her barely hearing and that tubes, along with a new environment means that her verbals skills have caught up and then some.

I won't go into how smart she is, how clever was used to explain her, how she plays well with others at an age when most play best alone, how she's always willing to comfort and hug her friends. How her sense of humor is one of her best qualities. How the word advanced was actually used in regards to my child that I had so many concerns about. Because no matter how many times you hear that they are within the range for something, when you worry about the care they get, you can help but wonder if it is hurting or at the least not helping.

I won't go into my amazing abuse of run on sentences, nope, not me. Not even the made up word.

Nope, here is what made my day. They called my daughter a ringleader. But not in a bad way. She's a leader my girl. One of the more advanced kids in the class who is willing to lead and show the other ones how it is done. Her and some kid named Max.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Twelve pounds of Terrier(ist)

Astrologically speaking I am a Leo, so it would make perfect sense that I love all things feline. I grew up having cats, and when I finally was adult enough, and living on my own, I got a cat.

When I moved to MN, he stayed with my parents. I never lived with him again because I met A, who is seriously allergic to cats.

I never liked dogs. I really had only ever know farm dogs, and well, manners aren't their strong suit. However, love does strange things to you.

So, after A and I got married, we started looking for a dog. Somehow he managed to sell me on a Cairn Terrier, since he had grown up with one. He said they were good with kids, had attitudes, but also personality. Our obedience trainer called them terrierists.

We had seen a dog at a pet store that I went to for my fish supplies, and pretty much fallen in love. While I had wanted to go with a breeder or rescue, when we saw her, we knew that her chances of being bought were slim, and she would likely end up in a bad situation. We were willing to deal with her. (and the judgment from people about where she came from) Around the time our wedding was supposed to have been (we went to Vegas to avoid... stuff), A was on a business trip, and I went to get her. She peed in my car on the way to get her supplies. and that was just the beginning. Having never owned a dog, I had to call A in panic to see if she was having a seizure when she started yelping and running her sleep. He still hasn't let me live that one down.
She was obviously the runt, had bad skin, not much in the way of hair, and loved licking your ears, neck, and up your nose. We indulged her and loved it.

We got her training, she obeys reasonably well. She will poop in the house if she is mad at your for ignoring her. Despite having been on a diet for years, she didn't really lose weight until we started feeding M table food, which doesn't make sense since she gets all of the left over veggies.

She loves a warm lap, down blankets to sleep on (preferably with a person underneath them), sleeping under the covers, early mornings, frozen green beans, and riding on your shoulders while in the car.

She charms nearly every one she meets, including self professed dog haters like my dad, who is by far her favorite sitter. He even calls her the "All in One Shredder Vacuum Love Machine".

She tolerates a surprising number of silly things I have done to her. That includes silly parkas, pumpkin hats, antlers and making her sit still endlessly for two calorie treats.

She is our first child, who has bonded incredibly well with the second (first). M's first word was Tess. Part of her nightly routine is to kiss her goodnight (which means she gets licked). The other day, she put her dolly blanket over her and put her to bed, and Tess just stood for it. She got sick when she was younger (most likely had something to do with why we go her in the first place) and we paid a small fortune to get her well again. She was worth every penny, despite the fact that at night she sleeps next to A, and not me, despite me being the cold one who could really use it.

This post was written for Parent Bloggers Network as part of a sweepstakes sponsored by Burger King Corp.

Friday, October 24, 2008

A little reward for making it.

Tonight I braved the world of not having to nurse and worked late. Something I haven't done since I got pregnant and started going to bed at 6 PM. It was supposed to be OT, but my little plumbing adventure earlier this week sort of killed that one. Instead it was just making up time so I don't need to take more time off. Bah! I would have rather had the cash.

In the old days, pre kid I would have headed to the bar afterward. After all, a long night of moving computer equipment is perfectly ended by a night of drinking with your coworkers and making inappropriate comments. As the lone woman in many an IT departments, and having been a theater geek in high school, I can hold my own in the raunchiest of conversations. Not at my current company though, oh no, I'm the model of professionalism here.

Tonight after finishing up, I debated going out. After all, M was already asleep, so I wouldn't be rushing home to see her to bed. I'd called before bedtime and said night night. However, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. The new crowd at work is younger, and I am that old lady with the kid. So instead I headed home, and decided to celebrate my new ability to drink without consequence and head to the liquore store first.

Man, am I ever glad that I did. I'd seen Fat Tire on tap at some bars recently, but since I hadn't been to a liquor store in a couple of years, I didn't know that they were actually distributing locally. Yay! Yahoo! Sweet! Yipee! That gives at least six good Belgian style beers you can get, including all of the Blue Moon offerings. I picked a six pack of Fat Tire and one other, and when I got home realized someone had been mixing six packs so I actually got three different kinds of beer. This would be me doing the happy dance... and drinking.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Maybe a little sadder than I thought...

There are I am sure a number of people out there who were under the impression that I had already weaned M. See, I didn't say I hadn't on a number of occasions. The fact that I did it, and did it past the age of 1, meant I was some kind of sick person. Little did they know that I exclusively breastfed (there was this one little formula incident when I lost my freezer stash), pumped at work (until 14 months), and well, just keep going up until... yesterday. Tonight was our first attempt at bedtime without anything extra. Tomorrow night I will miss bedtime when I have to work late for the first time in a long time, and at 18 months, I figured it was time.

I've been putting off calling back the endocrinologist about getting a solid diagnosis for PCOS, been putting off travel assignments at work, and well, putting it off. I know we could have gone longer, and that it would have been a good thing, but it was time.

She finally started drinking cows milk, something she refused to do until about a month ago. Last week she even almost even forgot it was part of the bedtime routine. (though tonight she tried to run away from me when I said it was bedtime) I am sure it has helped her immune system, especially with being a daycare kid. I know she didn't get a couple of nasty bugs that both A and I got, and that was a good enough reason for me.

I know it had to happen, I guess I just didn't expect to be so sad about it. I fought hard to make it work despite the failings at my hospital. I even used a nipple shield long past when she should have given it up because it was the only way she'd nurse. (I hope she doesn't have any lasting nipple issues. You know being a teen and thinking hers should have little plastic hats) I made it work, I beat the averages, and now done.

Maybe some new bras will make me feel better.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

WW - Butterfly, do you need your ears cleaned?

When you are the puppy, you must inspect everything, especially the ears. Who knew little butterflies had ears.

What do you know, today is my 100th post. More Wordless Wednesday.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

At least I'm used to the poop.

Today my father celebrated his "senior" birthday (62) by fixing my toilet. While I was cleaning off the old wax ring, and the included "slime", I noted that it wasn't all that different than what I usually do each day. At least having a child means that you're used to being elbow deep in crap.

It wasn't what I planned on doing for his birthday. I love having an older house (something I got from him), but it comes with it's own share of issues. The least of which is that usually something has broken at least once before and someone took a half assed approach to fixing it. That was the deal with our toilet, and we took at least one of those half assed attempts at a fix. It finally failed, and just in time for dad to be in town. He is about to leave for six weeks, so the timing was amazing. What would have no doubt required the services of a plumber, who would have wanted to charge me a lot to do something more involved, cost me 50 bucks in supplies and some time with dad. I think I got a great deal.

While I haven't always gotten along with my dad, having M has really helped. It has made me stick with it when I would have rather told him to stuff it. It also helps that with age he's been willing to get help for some issues and clear out that dark cloud that was following him around. It also means I get help with my plumbing issues, and M gets to know her grandpa B.

So, happy birthday, Pops. I've emailed you the link to the blog again, maybe this time you'll check it.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Maybe we should look into private schools...

... but for right now I am going to be happy that we aren't in the Anoka school district. Apparently their history lessons are severely lacking, or at least they were when a certain 6th District Congresswoman went to school there. Somehow she missed the lesson on McCarthyism. I realize that some teachers kind of gloss it over, but she obviously never learned it. I've never been quite so frustrated about how my state appears to the rest of the country, and that includes when she nearly molested the President after the State of The Union.

In case you missed it.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Starting to talk...

We were sitting reading one of M's favorite books, Baby's First 100 Animals, when we got to the bird page. She points, says her usually "Wha dis?", and I say, "Hornbill", to which she says, complete with hand motions to go with it, "Beep, beep".

She also randomly names body parts, or items of clothing, at odd times. Today were on the swings at the park, swinging next to another little girl, and she started pointing at her feet and saying "Shoes" repeatedly.

She now says "choo choo" for the trains, especially if you make the "chugga chugga" sounds for her, then pause for her choo choo.

It finally feels like we are catching up from the delays from her ear issues. Just in time for her to start getting fluid in her ears again, of course. Sounds like perhaps we will not be able to get away with one set of tubes.

Because I can't resist, a weekend pumpkin picking picture. I don't show her face her, so you would think they would be a random faceless picture that is blog safe, but no, it is the best shot I got. I spent most of my time keeping her out of the rotten pumpkin mess.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

In which I eat my words...

I swore to a friend of mine, shortly before meeting A that I would never ever date another gamer. No, not computer games (though there are those in our life too), but you know, D & D, GURPS, Rolemaster (if you recognized any of the last couple, well, here's to you). You see, being the geeky, theater loving small town girl that I was, I was once a gamer too.

So I swore no more, never again. Then I used a quote from Monty Python on my online personal ad. Yeah... ok, so maybe I didn't really mean it.

A was and still sort of is a gamer. He's also a collector. Which means that the third bedroom in our house is full of books, miniatures, and well, more books. There are also our computers, since well, we're both professional geeks.

While I wouldn't call it a man cave, it is most definitely our cave. Parenthood has slowed our collecting, since we would rather spend time with M than just about anything else. Our new found status as hermits does mean that we're in here an awful lot. So much so we're planning on moving rooms around to give it more space to be a family friendly room.

Here is a part of A's collection.

Lest you think I am innocent, here is part of mine. The good books life in the living room.

I should totally do a contest to see if you can see what icon of Monty Python is in his, and what amazing published blogger's book is in mine.

This post is part of a blog blast from Parent Bloggers Network, sponsored by Bill Me Later. Because you know if I win, I'm totally using the money to buy more books from Amazon. Write your own post to enter, let your cave show!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Haiku Friday - Fall

wood smoke smells outside
blankets and snuggles indoors
fire erupts the trees

still green with flicks of
colors so bright a last flame
before the gray ghost

winter is coming
but for now fall is still here
favored time of year

It is most definitely fall in Minnesota. I love it. The colors are peaking here, and I finally got my header shot. (though I am sure I will keep taking ones to use in the future) I went out to our massive maple tree right before dusk. The lighting made me figure out some stuff on my wee little point and shoot camera. I just need to reacquaint myself with f stops, shutter speeds and depth of field. I have been puzzling over what to tell the in-laws I want for Christmas, but I may have found my solution. I am ready for a better camera. Ready to blend my knowledge of 35mm photography with digital. I'm thinking another Canon like my small camera and my favorite 35mm, but I'll take suggestions.

Haiku Friday can be found here, with the lovely Christina.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Someone always says it better than me...

Some of you know that with M I had preeclampsia. I was very very lucky. It came on slowly, with some warning, and late enough in my pregnancy that it was essentially a non issue. However, I was lucky, more lucky than I realized at the time.

What causes it is unknown, and there is no real prediction for if it will happen in a second pregnancy. What is known is that your risk of developing it increases. My one and only known risk factor is my weight. My losing weight is a major consideration for having another child. Also, not so shockingly, is if a certain geriatric PTSD suffering wife insulting old dude gets elected, (who for the record I actually liked a decent bit eight years ago, but feelings change) because if he has his way, getting sick again really could mean I die, not just a multitude of other bad stuff (like losing a child).

Alexa put it better than I ever could. This is something we all should care about. Julie also is more eloquent than I am.

Development of the No's

While I adored and sometimes really miss the little ball o' baby, the snuggly bug who would be happy just being held and held, this whole new adventure is pretty neat too. I may just be weird, but I'm totally enjoying watching her go from totally dependent, to in independent and free thinking human being. It is like my own little psychology/sociology experiment. Except, you know, I'm not experimenting, I'm trying to follow all of the rules.

It started about a month ago with her discovering the word no. Up until then, she was pretty compliant with what we told her, but would occasionally have a little mini meltdown if things didn't totally go her way. No was huge. No was life changing. She didn't have to get her diapered changed if she didn't want to. She could say no. She didn't have to eat her carrots, she could say no.

She practiced it regularly, even if she really meant yes. Mostly she practiced at home, but lately she's been expanding her practice to daycare. However, we've been holding her to those no's even when we know she means yes.

She's now added head nodding yes, even if she doesn't say the word. However, the best thing is when you give her a choice, and it is the one she wants she says something inbetween "woah" and Scooby Doo. Sort of a wororohh. If I could predict when she'll do it, I'd capture it on film for the grandparents. This progress is fun, it has prompted me to offer her odd ball choices just to see what she'll do. Things like, would you like to wear a spoon on your head.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

WW - Three Years...

I wanted to have a great fall in Minnesota picture ready for WW this week, but I haven't gotten around to it yet. I need a new more fall like header picture too. Instead, I give you two pictures from our honeymoon (six months after our wedding, thank you work), three years ago this month. I loved Niagara Falls and the pretty colors in New England

More wordlessness available here.

Monday, October 13, 2008

And then I think I died, or my head exploded, or I ate some really good choclate...

We've been adventuring in the world of sleeping through the night in our own room around here. You may remember me whining about it before.

We used to move M up to our room every night when we went to bed (we live in a story and a half), so that she was near us. Both for our own peace of mind, and so she slept better. Most of the night she slept in first a cosleeper, later a pack & play. Sometimes she would end with her sleeping with me, but mostly not. It worked, and she got good at being moved in her sleep.

Step one of the sleep on her own thing was to stop moving her. Next, when she would wake up, give her a chance to fall back asleep, and if all else fails, when she woke up she slept next to me again.

Some nights it has been 11 PM when she becomes my personal heat source. Others 2 AM, or 4 AM. (she got her shots in there, so bad sleep is expected) And twice, dare I even write it, I woke up a little cold, shivery, but with my back not in nearly so many knots.

With every night, shots not withstanding, it appears to get better. Now, I know we're bound to back slide some. However, I'm willing to get kicked occasionally if it helps when she's sick, scared, etc.

Tonight, she even wanted to go to bed on her own. Half an hour early. I think some brain may have oozed out my ear.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Working Mom Toddler Food

When M was little and just breastfed or maybe ate a few solids, the whole working mom thing was easy. Sure, I pumped at work, fed her right before daycare, and right away the moment I walked in the door at home. When she started eating real, you know, normal people food I started having issues.

We knew from the start that we didn't want to get in the habit of just feeding her "kid" food. The processed stuff is full of things we didn't want, especially sodium. Good food habits start early too, and we had seen how busy parents we knew (with now 23 year old kids, lest anyone thing I'm talking about them) had ended up with kids who wouldn't eat anything except bread, meat and cheese. However, working doesn't make that easy. It is time to eat the moment I get in the door.

Most of the time, she eats what we eat, or what we ate last night since it is ready right away. But sometimes there are no leftovers, or we're being slackers and eating malt-o-meal for dinner. I can steam veggies for her quickly, and I alway do a couple of servings worth, but my challenge has always been protein. Easily portioned food she would eat. (the kid still isn't as big of a fan of chicken as I'd like)

My solution, mama's meatballs. I make little meat balls that I freeze and can reheat a portion at a time. Here is my basic recipe:

1 lb lean ground beef (sometimes I double it or use half ground turkey)

combine in mixer (love my kitchen aid, saves huge amounts of time with this one) using batter attachment.

1 Tb each of dried basil, dried oregano, dried thyme.
ground pepper to taste
1/2 tsp of garlic or three cloves finely chopped (she eats the more quickly the more garlicy they are)

1/3 cup plain breadcrumbs (optional)

Make sure to lock the mixer, and mix until combined

Portion into small meatballs. Another time saver, I use an ice cream scoop, the spring loaded kind (thank you Alton Brown for that idea) and I get 16 per pound. Two meatballs is an ideal serving size, 2 oz of meat. Roll. Brown in a pan with a little olive oil. (Eventually I want to try baking them in the oven in muffin tins like I saw on Good Eats, but so far it hasn't been cool enough. )Then simmer on low for at least an hour (I've gone close to two hours with a large batch in a larger pot), in a mixture of 1/2 jar commerical pasta sauce (I use a higher end brand) and and equal amount of water. Make sure to put a tight lid on it. If it isn't covered tightly enough, you may need to add more water to keep it from burning.

Lay on cookie sheet, freeze, then transfer to a bag or some such. M couldn't have tomatoes because of the acid for a long time, but this was mellow enough since I took them out of the sauce. They are really flavorful, but still healthier than processed food. It is a bit of work to make, but I think it pays off in knowing she's getting good food.

My other favorite shortcut, just make her a cheese omelet. The loves them.

I've been meaning to write about my meatballs for awhile, but I finally did it because of the Blog Blast at PBN, sponsored by Ore-Ida (time to make some tater tot hotdish). I am curious about the whole steamed mashed potatoes, since I'm totally loving steam in bag spinach.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

We just call her BABY....

M is going to be 18 months old this weekend. A year and a half. It has been an awesome year and a half. I've enjoyed her so much in that time, and there is so much more. She's really starting to talk more, and I can see the little gears working away while she continues to figure out language. She's also climbing things now (eep!), and getting more physical by the day.

Today we had her checkup, and it was a fun appointment. I really love her doctor, and she likes us too. She told us today how much she appreciates that she can joke and have fun with us. That means a lot, because it shows that she respects us and is comfortable with us. We're partners in taking care of M, which is how I think it should be.

M's growing and thriving, right on track for everything. She's caught up from her language delays because of her ear issues. One of her ears is getting fluid in it again though, so we need to watch out some. The tube is still there though, so we'll treat it with drops. Her BIG toe is still a non issue, even if it does look disconcerting to us.

She is also even more off the charts for her height. Our little peanut who was nearly 8 pounds (and three weeks early) is now nearly 3 feet tall (1/4" to go until she makes it). We knew she was tall, but that surprised even me. Shouldn't have too much, since I went from rolling her jeans up one week, to wondering if I should get out the next size the next week. Her weight still falls in the normal range, she's our little string bean.

Everything was great, expect the part where I forgot to ask if we should keep up her reflux meds. We're almost out, and she started hiccuping the last time I took her off of them, but that was during that growth spurt, so it may be OK now. I just don't want to take her off of them and have it still be damaging her esophagus. You know, not a minor thing to forget, pretty big, should have written myself a note. Oh wait, I did, but forgot it at home.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

WW - Baby Doesn't Love Disco

It was pretty much a 25 dollar disaster. I will post up on Savvy Source tomorrow, but here is a picture. At least she was amazingly cute.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

7 Deadly... I mean random facts.

So, the lovely Rebecca tagged me for the 7 random facts meme, and I think it was just what I needed.

1. I wanted a doula, but I wasn't brave enough to pursue it. My pre eclampsia changed all of my plans, but if I have another kid, I want to consider it more seriously again. If nothing else, I need an advocate to keep my postpartum nurse from ditching me.

2. After 31 years, I'm finally starting to have a good relationship with my dad. M has helped, but he's gone through some stuff lately and we're making it work. I'm really happy about it.

3. My mom reads this blog. Despite that, I don't censor much.

4. My MIL does not read this blog but I live in fear that she will some day use a computer, so I don't write about her, but I want to.

5. I once told my family to tell one of my ex's I was dead. He was very stalkerish. I think he found me out.

6. I think part of my job as a parent is to make sure M knows how to laugh. We work on this daily. I make a lot of funny faces.

7. I eat my food in order of least favorite to favorite. I live my life the same way, get through the stuff you have to, save the best for last. Green M & M's always get eaten last.

So, about those rules. I don't have 7 people I would feel comfortable linking to, since many of the people I know who have blogs specifically don't want to be so publicly linked, or they've done this already recently. So, I won't be picking seven. Pick yourself if you want to do this, just leave a comment and I'll link to you. Thank you to Rebecca for thinking of me. Her blog is great.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Rage in a parking lot

I was asked to write about this before, and I think I am finally ready to. If nothing else than to maybe try and get over my fear of that particular parking lot.

Late August, after a fun state fair visit, I took M to Target to do our grocery shopping. I usually take her with, since it is time together that I would rather not waste. I was incredibly distracted. My tooth was not remotely securely in my mouth despite spending three hundred dollars the day before to have it put in. (after the dentist didn't respond to his page). I was also incredibly stressed. I love the extra writing I am doing, but it is a lot more work than I thought it would be. I was already on edge.

I stopped, no one was walking in the cross walk (there were people, but they weren't doing anything, I didn't know what they were waiting for), there were vehicles stopped in it. I went through. I got stuck behind some people and was blocking the cross walk for longer than I wanted to. You need to know that I am the person that stops for the person in the cross walk. I yield to pedestrians.

I was distracted to say the least, and doing what I needed to. When I got out of the car an old guy asked me if I always go through cross walks when people are crossing. He scared the crap out of me. I lashed out. He lashed out back. I said horrible thing, I swore, I went to get M out of the car, and he kept coming at me. And I got way more mean. I don't entirely remember what I said, but I know I asked him why he was doing this to me when I was there with M. I called him an asshole, well, fucking asshole. And other horrible things.

He and his wife asked me if I always am so mean to people with artificial hips, people in their 70's, etc.

Some stranger came and started attacking verbally as well. Said they were taking down my license plate. That was when I started really crying. I broke. They left. I pulled it together enough to get into Target.

I got M in, I got her in a cart, I called A. I made it to housewares. I tried to tell him how horrible I had been. How I wasn't being myself, how ashamed I was. He couldn't understand what I was saying, he came to help me. While I was crying M reached out to hug me.

My 16 month old daughter had to comfort me.

I tried to shop, I tried to be normal.

A security guard came to me, I tried to explain I wasn't nice to the person, that I was scared, that I was mean. I just cried. In the middle of the clothing section of Target. I told her A was on the way. I went to the front door, I tried not to cry more. I tried to keep M calm. She brought my water. She was an angel.

A showed up, we did the grocery shopping.

I wish it was a funny story, but I'm pretty sure it isn't. I know I have a mental illness. I know I have to be careful, to medicate it when I need to, to take care of myself. I know that I will need to tell M about it, watch her and make sure that if she needs help she gets it. I will not repeat the past and ignore it, and let her think that she is less or weak because of it. I hope that she does not have to deal with it.

I was not prepared for her to have to comfort me before she could talk. I was not ready for that. It is why I took a break after it all happened, why I walked away from the extras in my life. It's why I needed to write this out despite the breaks to wipe away the tears.

There is another commentary I have on this, but it will have to wait. Life goes on, the laundry needs doing.

A knew I was crazy before he married me, and he still married me. We fight, we struggle, we make it work. He never fails to be there for me. It has been seven years since our first date today, and he is always there for me.

PS - I wouldn't have the courage to put my crazy out there if it weren't for Catherine. Show her some love, let your crazy show.

Friday, October 3, 2008

I turned on the heat...

I tried to hold out, I really did, but M isn't sleeping like at all, and I think she may be getting cold. (oh yeah, sleeps great cuddling with me, but I need to sleep now) It will most likely get turned back off if it warms up, but with temps getting down to the 30's at night, I just couldn't hold out any longer. A girl can only bake so much.

Don't worry though, I have a programmable thermostat, so I don't heat when I don't have to.

I swear I had all kinds of good things to post about, but my brain has gone blank. I do have a post about banned books week over at Savvy Source, and I'm going to Baby Loves Disco tomorrow to check that out. Unfortunately, that is all I have for now. I keep trying to write an eloquent post about the challenges of being a working mom, but it comes out sound like crap.

So, I'm doing that thing people do, ask me a question, any question, and I'll try to answer as many as I can. I'll reward y'all with some answers, and something else that's good, just not sure what yet. Maybe my secret pumpkin bread recipe.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

WW - Corn Maze

We went to Minnetonka Orchards this last weekend. They have a corn maze. I'll be reviewing our visit tomorrow at Savvy Source.