Faithless

I've been trying to figure out how to write this post for a long time. It is something deeply personal, but like a lot of personal things, it is something that I think needs talking about. Things that fester in closets and under the bed for too long just end up stinking. So, I'm coming out from under the bed, so to speak.

I'm an atheist.

Well, I guess that is just the best word that I have to describe it. I don't believe in God, per say, but that doesn't mean that I don't have a heart for compassion, forgiveness or understanding.

How I got here could perhaps be traced back to being a kid. I stand by that the single best way to confuse a kid about faith is to send them to alternating Sunday schools, ever other week, Unitarian and Catholic. Everyone is accepted vs. believe this or you are going to hell. Yeah, that is a lot when you are seven.

However, it is far more complicated than that. First, I need to make it clear that I take no issue with other people's faith. I admire it in fact, and it is something that there are times I wish that I had. I just can't handle the baggage that comes with organized religion. I see too often faith being used as way to exclude and reject, instead of a way to love and care.

For all of her later adult life, my grandmother believed in a faith that told her that her youngest son was an abomination. Fortunately she also had faith in her son, but the conflict was at times hard for her. It was the same faith that had her telling me my mother was a witch who should be burned at the stake.

Faith is used as an excuse to start wars, to displace people based on ancient promises, and to kill. In saying your good fortune happened but for the grace of God, are you then saying that everyone else who didn't have their prayers answered just wasn't good enough? Did not enough people pray for them?

But faith is also there when people need it most. It drives people to care for all of the people around them, especially those who have less than them. I have been impressed by the quiet generosity that I've seen in people, knowing that it is their faith that compels them.

For me, I just can't make those two sides mesh enough for me to believe.

However, like I said, I am not heartless. I try to live every day, and every part of my day, with compassion. While I generally won't donate time or money to organizations that discriminate based on faith or sexual orientation, I make exceptions for a few organizations that work primarily with the poor.

The golden rule is taught in my house. If you don't like it being done to you, don't do it. M learned this year that we help those that have less than us, and that giving gifts is more important than receiving them. We will build on that as she gets older.

It is a hard place to be. Without a faith in a world filled with it. There are challenges. I have had coworkers shocked that I volunteer my time, donate to organizations, and have the capacity forgive, given my (lack of) faith. When people automatically assume your faith, it leaves you uncomfortable having to correct. Often times I just don't argue, choosing going along with it versus answering uncomfortable questions. Other times I find myself having to speak up for those of us that don't have faith.

Bye Bye Bewbies

I have never been... endowed. Really. I lived happily in the middle. Not as small as my mom, not as large as my grandmothers. It was, in all reality, a happy place to be. Clothes fit me as long as I wasn't plus sized. Even then, better too big than busting out.

Side note: What in the heck is it with them thinking that if you are fat you magically grew bewbs. I mean, really. Thanks goodness Lane Bryant understands this and makes a 40 B. Or I would have been totally lost.

Pregnancy brought on a whole new world to me. I discovered being and F. I actually had problems finding nursing bras that did more than just serve as a place to put the breast pads. I was relieved when I could finally fit in to a proper bra again. The shrinking, it was a good thing.

Now however, not so much. Not only are the poor girls shrinking (when I lose weight they are the first thing to go) but well, they have... deflated. Nothing that a good padded push up bra can't fix, but I doubt I will ever be able to pull off anything other than "full coverage" ever again.

At some point this weekend I need to go to somewhere that sells bras (I think I have at least one more band size available at Lane Bryant) and get something new. I went shopping for a new sports bra (yay Title Nine is in town!). Looking in a mirror it was very clear to me how bad my current bra fits. The ultimate size of the new one I got confirms it.

Anyone have favorite post I had a baby and I nursed for 18 months bra? VS hasn't had anything that could hold them that I've found, and I prefer good construction to cheap department store.

Biting Off

So, if you follow me on Twitter, you may have noticed I'm freaking out a bit about my blog situation. You see, I'm still not decided about BlogHer. I mean, I want to go, but it is expensive. If I go, I want to be able to justify it with my seriousness about blogging. In my mind, since I've already paid for the domain/hosting, that means getting my blog on my own domain. If I am going to do that, I need to invest in my brand, which means I need to invest in design, which is really just rationalizing going to BlogHer.

I mean, I have no intention of leaving a job that I love for being a full time blogger, for one, I'm not that good. However, I like how blogging helps my mental health, my actual physical health, and I like the community I have found in it. It has also helped me (though not sure if you can tell that here) become a better writer.

I am pretty sure that this whole parenting thing would have been a lot harder if I hadn't had a blog. It is my outlet for a lot of things. It also means I don't have to call my mom as much, which well, is sort of nice.

There are also some opportunities that I've wanted to take advantage of that I can't until I have a more mature blog.

So, I need your help. I may be able to figure out how to do my own design, but I am still thinking about having someone do some graphics for me. I know what I want, I just don't have the tools to do it myself. I'm also not rich, so someone looking to build a portfolio who would work for home made pickles would be a plus, but not needed.

Along those same lines, would you find it amusing if I played off of the Sprout part of the blog name? As in very young plants thing? It seems either entirely brilliant or completely stupid.

Fitting it In

Honestly, I don't know how I make it through the day some days. No really, I don't.

There is work, two full time jobs, with some after hours work for both adults in the family, getting a kid to daycare, keeping my house at least pretending to be clean, cooking all of the meals, and taking care of the preschooler, while pretending to also not lose my mind.

It feels most of the time like I balance on the edge. I am just barely cutting it at work, at home, as a parent. I know that isn't true, well, mostly. My cleaning commitment leaves much to be desired.

It is one of those times where the universe conspires to make things even more crazy. Both A and I have major projects at work, that will include evenings and weekends, M is at an age where she is very needy, and has learned to talk back, like a two headed monster, and I'm trying desperately to find a way to stay on top of my health goals. That means exercise near daily and no more eating out, including lunch.

So far, I'm finding only a little bit of success. I've managed to work out in the morning twice, with serious good intentions for the third time. (I was diverted from my goal by a missing sports bra. I only own one.) It seems to work best when I lay out everything I need to wear the next day the night before. That includes socks and that one lone bra. The realization that if I work out in the morning I don't have to again at night seems to drive me to get up at the ungodly hour of 5:30 AM.

Cooking/eating is still hard. I'm starting to realize that M is now old enough where I don't need to feed her five minutes after we get home. I can wait just a bit longer to make something healthy. I still need to figure out how to expand my winter cooking, but thanks to Andrea, I took a look at something other than dried fruit and frozen veggies at Trader Joes and found us some more options. I even tried to make oven baked chicken fingers tonight for dinner. I can make the seasoning choice better, but my yogurt marinade followed by bread crumbs worked pretty well. Small steps, right?

For the local women. My absolute favorite women's athletic clothing store (though it looks like they have a lot more other stuff now) Title Nine, just opened a store in Edina. I found it when I followed them on Twitter while perusing their site for some more bras. I am seriously thrilled about this since I am a long time fan, but I liked their store in Boulder (where I found the best sports bra ever) more than trying to find what I needed in a catalog. I will be going on Friday at the latest, and I promise to report back.