Wednesday, June 30, 2010

My Heart is Home

My baby is home! I will admit it, I really really enjoyed having a break. With work being so nuts, I enjoyed being able to just zone out when I got home. I didn't have to switch from bad day at work to dealing with a defiant three year old.

However, I am so happy to have her home. She barely wanted to hug and kiss A and I, but when it was time for bed, she saved hugging me for last, then asked for lullabies. Something she hardly ever does.

So I sang and snuggled and let her know silently that it was OK, even if she said she didn't miss me, I knew she did. I missed her too.

It starts now doesn't it, the growing up and away from us? She doesn't need for everything any more. She tests her boundaries and goes her own way more than she listens to me. She is exceptionally independent. My mother says more so than I ever was. (I was a late bloomer stubbornness wise, that happened as an adult)

I haven't written about it because I was afraid of being judged, but we've been having some behavior issues at school. I think she is getting bored. She's wanting to start learning how to sound out words, and do more with numbers, and as one of the oldest in class, she is struggling with the boredom. At least that is what I hope it is. She can be such a good kid, but she has never been one to do what was expected. 18 months of nursing using a nipple shield because she wouldn't have it any other way. Not even crawling until after she was a year old, then taking off. Walking just in time to be able to take the spot in a better daycare.

I am so screwed once we hit the teen years.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


I have absolutely no idea what to write about. Well, I mean, I have things I want to write about but I can't write about. So instead, a banjo.

I have a secret love of banjos. They are a guilty pleasure. I grew up listening to folk music, and it will always be my first musical love. Banjos, mandolins, fiddles and all.

Getting to see the father of the bride (who is not the banjo player) and many family friends playing at this wedding was a real treat for me. Though not as big of a treat as hearing the bride's brother (who is 15 years younger than me) sing. He's a baritone. He also dropped his pants and peed in my yard at my graduation party. (he was potty training) The two things are not quite matching up in my head just yet.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Going Home

We had a great time this weekend. Well, M and I had a great time. A tolerated being at a "family" wedding where the only people he knew enough to be comfortable around were the people actively involved in the wedding (bride, groom, parents, siblings of all). I got to see all of the people I really like from my home town that still live there. I got to show off my beautiful daughter in her twirling "wedding dress" (thanks to Stefania for sending that at just the right time). She charmed just about everyone.

She especially took to the bride (I think it may have been the stunning dress and the fact that we talked about her wedding for days), and the mother of the bride. The mother of the bride is my second mom. The cool mom (sorry mom). She's the one I could talk to about stuff I couldn't talk to my own mom about. The funny part is, when I was about M's age, I really took to her too. I was the little kid following her around. Apples, trees, you know the rest.

We're back home, but M stayed up North to hang out with Grandma Tere (seen above). She is having a great time being entertained by all kinds of new people. Running around the property where I grew up. Getting in to trouble the bride's cousin's son. (who's dad was the resident troublemaker when I was a kid) Charming everyone she meets.

She has requested to not go home. Instead she would like Grandma to drive her right down to Nana & Grandpa D's. We're sort of hoping by Wednesday she'll miss us enough to come back here.

On the off chance that you ever find yourself in Fergus Falls, I would like to point out to you a couple of things. First, Falls Baking Co. Home of the best bread on the planet. No, not kidding. I've had a lot of bread, and Scott's can't be beat. Second, Stumbeano Coffee. I am a coffee nerd, and I'm here to tell you I had the best latte of my life on Sunday morning, at Cafe 116. Made by Greg Stumbo himself. I would like to bundle both of them up and move them closer to the rest of my life. In the mean time I'll settle for putting and order in with my mom for when she brings M back.

Whole Wheat Sour Dough, Oatmeal & a French Boule. I'd also like a pound of Greg's Espresso Roast. I need it ground, I can't do anything fine enough for my stove top Bialetti at home.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

A Dog & Her Cucumber

Last year, right before I had finally had it and hacked the thing to pieces, Tess discovered that she really really liked vegetables in the form of my entire summer squash plant. Not just the fruit, all of it. Sure, table scraps and the occasional lost pea were fine, but now she knew where they came from.

I spent the rest of the year trying to keep her from chewing on the remaining parts of the squash and eventually having to beat her off with a Brussels sprout stalk to keep her from eating the stalk, sprouts and all.

I have a weird dog.

This year she's been moderately unaware of the garden's presence. That was until the cucumber.

While taking her out for a potty break right after we got home from work, I wandered over to the cucumbers. I've had a lot of flowers, but nothing looked like it was really taking off. Imagine my surprise when I had a nice perfectly pickable cucumber right there on the vine.

So I picked it. Then Tess went absolutely nuts.

It was all she could focus on. Even after I peeled and sliced it for the other cucumber lover in the house (we planted them at M's request), even after we ate it, she was still looking everywhere for it.

Her obsession with the garden has returned.

My only real concern is that once we have ripe cherry tomatoes, we won't be able to leave her alone in the back yard for a second. They are perfectly sized for small terrier mouths.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Running Haiku

When I run, it is a constant inner dialog reminding me of proper form. Like a haiku playing over and over again in my head

Head up, shoulders back
Eyes on the path, abs sucked in
Don't over pronate

Focus on breathing
Keep moving, you can do it
Watch your foot placement

I repeat it over and over again as the exhaustion kicks in and I have to work that much harder.

Head up, shoulders back
Eyes on the path, abs sucked in
Don't over pronate

Focus on breathing
Keep moving, you can do it
Watch your foot placement

I remember to pace my breathing. I focus on my abs and making sure my core is stable. I pay attention to how my knee feels. I watch the time and push myself to go faster if I need to.

I can feel the muscles in my stomach, my legs, my arms. I can visualize running without the burden of all this extra fat and skin. I keep that in my mind when it gets hard.

There are times, every time I get out there, when I think about not doing it. When I consider just walking instead, like I used to. It is a conscience choice to commit to this. I make the choice every time, because I know the pay off is worth it. I can see the progress I am making. It was small at first. It is becoming more noticeable all the time. I am running under a 15 minute mile. I am adding distance. I am making progress.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Learning Experience: Fat Girl Running Edition

Things I have learned as a fat girl running:

1. Thin fabrics and short lengths do not work in running skirts. I have too much floppy skin/fat on my inner thighs and it just can't hold its own against that part of my body. (but huge kudos to Running Skirts for the amazing customer service)

2. KT Tape is no match for the size of my knees and the amount I sweat. It lasted (mostly) through one run. Not long enough to justify the price for day to day. Perhaps for races though.

3. Random large men in large Cadillacs will give you props for your running when you dash across the street to get home.

4. So far I have found exactly one pair of running shorts that actually work (as in don't ride up) and that I am not completely freaked out to be seen in. It doesn't help that I have some extra belly skin and I'm tall. I suspect either of those things not being an issue would increase my choices.

5. This would not be possible without the support I get from a very diverse group of people online.

6. Morning comes way earlier than you want it to. It is however the only way to beat 90 degree heat.

Monday, June 21, 2010

In the Nick

No matter what you call it, some times things happen right when they're supposed to.

I've been shy on writing posts lately because I seem to keep writing the same post over and over again. I'll give you the Reader's Digest version.

Work is stressful. I like to eat, especially when stressed. Being sick sucks. Exercising is hard.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Some times however, things all come together right when they should, and there is a little glimmer of light. Right before things could have completely taken a turn for the even darker.

Things like finding an awesome true story about love that helps you remember the early days of your great romance. Remember all of those wonderful things that brought you to where you are today. (On the off chance that you are like me and have lived in cave and have not read the true story of how Ree, The Pioneer Woman, and The Marlboro Man met & got married, before you click that link, get a box of tissues and call in sick to work. You will not be able to stop)

The above becomes especially timely when among other things you learn of another divorce in the making.

Things like taking your daughter to her first movie, at a drive in. To hell with commercialism and a sleep deprived kid the next day. It was an awesome Father's Day wish and a fun night out. She has discovered candy and there is no turning back now.

Things like going to the Dr. and having their scale show you lighter (fully clothed even) than your scale at home. (let's be honest, you never get on that thing with clothes on) Which is sort of awesome after you had a thoroughly demoralizing run the night before.

I'm sort of glad I held off on posting all of that woe is me crud. Annie may be right after all. The sun is shining brightly all of a sudden. (no kidding, it just came out as I was writing this)

Which means I may need to mow the lawn more than go for a run.

Naw, I hear the prairie look is totally in.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Promises Promises

While the brocoli has been disappointing, and the kale is slow to get started, everything else is coming along like hotcakes.

I have wee little vegetables showing up all over the place. The promise of cucumbers and tomatoes to come.

I know, the peas and beans aren't far behind. The peppers need a little heat to get their groove on, but they'll get there.

In the mean time, I am amusing myself with the lillies.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Betty, Yeti, Neti...

I am a really horrible sick person. If you ask my husband I am a champion whiner. If I am sick, it just gets worse. Add to that my need to try to "tough it out" without any drugs for at least a day. You know, because your body has to do its thing to beat the disease. (the irony that I got that attitude from my "anti-drug" parents is not lost on me one little bit) Well, add it all up, and I might as well lock myself in a room because there is no way that I would want to spend any time with me either.

Except today we thought M might be getting sick too, so we kept her home with me. She watched a lot of TV, and my patience ran out about an hour before A got home.

Good thing he brought home spicy Indian food. Then encouraged me to take a bath to relax. Then didn't complain when I went out to get drugs to get me through work tomorrow right before bedtime.

So I've braved a neti pot for the first time (wow I am as congested as I feel), I've got Nyquil for tonight, and I gave over my ID to get the good drugs for tomorrow. We'll see if the opposite of anti-drug does any better.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Sunday Random Thoughts

I seem to have a bit of bloggers block, so prepare for a brain dump.

This morning I got up early before going to see the in-laws to go for a run. I figured that starting the day with some endorphins wouldn't hurt. I ran for 35 minutes, and extended my distance, including a quick warm-up & cool down to 2.5 miles. Still not going much faster, but trying to add in some sprints to push myself a little.

In-laws visit, total success. We brought down real tomatoes (local), Vaidahlia onions, and some ground beef from the farm that we get out meat share from. They loved the burgers, and M's only complaint was we were taking her home instead of leaving her there.

The boy we have always not really trusted in M's class, you know the one with the constantly running nose who's parents never show up to the parties, seems to really like her or something. When prepping for my last field trip hell, he came over and wanted to hold her hand. She rebuffed him quite soundly, and he went to the quiet corner to to sulk and perhaps shed a tear or two. She seems to have good taste, but poor guy. Perhaps if he gave up making "shooters" at people and invested in tissues he would stand a chance.

The whole family seems to have gotten a bit of a cold. Watery eyes, sniffles, popping ears, choking on the snot draining down the back of your throat (sorry, TMI but when you realize what is doing it, way better than the kid almost throwing up) and general crankiness. I thought for sure the run this AM would hold it off. Nope. First time that hasn't done it, so I must really be in for it. Anyone want to bet on if I manage to get in a run tomorrow?

At less than two months, I'm starting to get really excited about NYC and BlogHer. Like totally really excited. Would anyone be up to reading about me getting neurotic about it? May possibly include a few NYC tips for those interested. I don't know why I'm bothering to ask, I'm going to do it anyway.

Before BlogHer I need to get my act together and transfer things to the domain. This will require investing a little money in a template. It needs to be done. So, I will be getting a new template for Wordpress instead of some new shoes for BlogHer. Oh well. Shoes are under rated. I want to have a review section so I can divide out some gear reviews (all stuff I've bought, but still, want to segregate) I've been wanting to write. They include my favorite running gear for the fat (or not so fat) girls. (all stuff I've actually paid my own money for, people only send me running gear to review in my dreams)

My throat is calling for ice water and some serious vegging on the couch. Perhaps an early bedtime too. If tomorrow is a mother/daughter sick day, wish me well. We have four new movies including *shudder* the first Disney Princess movie I've ever owned.... (but not the first I've rented and watched repeatedly on demand) I caved, yes I did.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Fat Girl Running

The whole time I've been doing the Couch to 5K, I've been focused on just making it through so I could make it to the next thing. There was always the next interval to make it to.

I'm here. I'm at the last interval. I can run 30 minutes.

The next part, this part I'm not so sure about.

I need to go faster, and I need to go farther.

I don't know how to get there. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this.

Tonight when I was running, I felt fat for the first time since I started this. The faster I try to go, the more that I bounce. It is uncomfortable and frustrating.

So I think the next thing is to just keep trying to farther. The pace I'm going is slow, but it is going none the less. It is doing what it needs to do right now. Maybe I'll always be really slow.

Who knows though. Maybe the fast will happen some day.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Thirty Minutes

There was a time, when I wasn't sure I would ever be able to run a minute. I could barely walk a mile comfortably, so there was no way I would ever be able to run.

Then I worked harder. I survived the Jillian's shredding. I kept walking until a mile became two, became three miles in under an hour. I biked to work with forty-five pounds of kid and gear.

I still didn't believe that I would actually become a runner.

I started though, determined to conquer something new in my quest for a healthier me.

A ran for a minute. One minute became ninety seconds. Ninety seconds became two minutes, became three minutes. Then five, eight and ten.

Tonight it was 30 minutes. 2.14 miles.

I have a hard time imagining that I will ever go faster than I do right now. But my 15 minute mile has already become a 14.5 minute mile. Eventually, with some luck and a lot of hard work, it will be a 10 minute mile.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Weekend Garden Tales

It has been a good weekend around here. Yesterday we got out to the Farmer's Market (original Minneapolis one this week) and got snow peas, kale, cilantro, strawberries and green garlic. We napped while it rained and ended on a high note in St. Paul having dinner at Boca Chica's Taco House. (35 years that place has been around, and people are still discovering the awesome salsa)

The garden is doing really well. The tomatoes in the new beds are twice the size of the two in last year's bed. I think that means I needed to add more compost to the old beds each year. For now, I'll fertilize a bit.

The peas are loving their trellis. Most of them have started to hang on. I have a feeling we'll have peas in a week or so.

One of last year's onions was missed, so I'm letting it head out for seed. Well, and because it looks cool.

We at the first radishes from our garden. I cannot get over how much more buttery a really fresh radish is. We'll try roasting them when we have a larger crop.

The cucumbers are doing really well. They're starting to climb their trellis, and we have the beginnings of a lot of cucumbers. I suspect I may have pickling in my future based on the current flower count. M has other ideas though. Cucumbers have turned in to one of her favorite foods.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Constant Craving

This summer at BlogHer, provided that I can afford it, I want to get another tattoo. I want a small sprout, for M, because she is my little sprout.

However, the way things have been going lately, I think I should get this tattooed somewhere...

Reasons not to have that ice cream, cake, brownie, soda, ice cream cake, cookie, chocolate, etc...

1. One pound of weight is five pounds of force on your knees. Every step puts an excess 350 pounds of weight on each knee. OW! They hurt more just thinking about that.

2. Skinny jeans

3. Size Medium

4. Sun dresses with strappy straps.

5. Ann Taylor, Banana Republic, and J. Freaking Crew

6. Totally being a showoff about your mad running skillz.

7. Living a life without insulin, or drugs that make you sick, or worries about something preventable.

8. Getting in on the leggings and flowing top trend before it goes

9. Boots without wide shanks

10. The rest of your damn life, is it really worth all of that sugar?

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

When the Universe Makes Its Will Know Via Cake

In my mind, I was writing this great post today about how I've fallen off the wagon on the whole no sugar thing, but that I was recommitting myself, you know, starting tomorrow. It was going to be today, but then I remembered that ice cream cake in the freezer at work. Hrm, I needed a piece of cake first, like a last hurrah.

The freezer at work, works much better than my freezer at home. That sucker was hard. I should have stopped then. That should have been my sign when I couldn't get my knife through it. I kept going however.

The piece of cake released, the knife went flying, right in to my left index finger. One look and I knew. I had cut through the superficial layers of skin and I was just about at the point where I could have inflicted serious damage.

I'm a klutz. I know my injuries. I could let it go, but it would take a long time to heal and there would be infection risk. It would also hurt a lot more. Or, I could suck it up and get it glued shut. No Urgent Care downtown by work, but there is an ER. The busiest ER in the state. The place the National Guard sends its medics for training because they see that level of trauma. I walked down to HCMC with a coworker. He was sent along to make sure I didn't pass out on the way. No, it wasn't that bad, it was a safety precaution.

I got in line, let a couple of people that were in much worse shape than I was go ahead of me, and two hours later I got my super glue (dermabond), steri-strips, and a discharge notice about giving people the finger.

Then I went back to work and ate the piece of cake that caused all the trouble.

I know I'm a sugar addict, and yes, I am using that word correctly. It is a compulsion, and it can be serious. All joking about my little cut aside, I know there is a problem here. I'm still trying to figure out how I want to deal with it. I know I have an appointment with my Dr. in two weeks where I will be able to ask more about what my options are. Perhaps it means some more serious therapy. However, the waiting lists for places that offer that are long. Perhaps it means something OA, but I am not sure I am ready for that yet.

I've made it past the first hurdle. The one that dealt with my sedentary life. It takes work for me to not want to run every single day. Those rest days are hard to take off. I know I can deal with this. I know I can get past it. I am just not so sure how that is going to happen right now.