Status Quo

I wish I had more to report on the exercise/eating front, but things here have been uneventful. Thanks to A's birthday and a really horrid cold, I missed a lot of exercise. Eventually I got better, so that is nice. I'm not eating awesome, but I am getting back on track. The best part is that I haven't actually really gained any weight back, just staying around 235 or so.

Honestly, I'm pretty cool with that. No drastic changes requiring new clothes. My boobs keep shrinking, and new bra's are covering any desire I have to change things up. I'm still "obese" but for now, this is fine. Twenty pounds is a great start, and with stress, and OMG the TWO! happening with this one little girl, just staying where I am is pretty awesome.

Speaking of TWO! Ummm, help? She is so incredibly lucky she is cute.

Guilt and the two yearold

So, after my mom's very fun response to my last post, she sent me a long email apologizing for being so flip. Honestly, I hope she (don't worry, already emailed, not writing this to her in a post) and everyone who reads this knows I was mostly kidding.

M's two. She barely understands her own emotions, let alone what she can do to others. I know that, and my reaction to what she did was to make light of it. Sure, it stung a little, but I know what it was. Her figuring out she didn't like something that I was doing, and treating me the way I treat her when she's not being nice, by not dealing with me. (Hitting and other inappropriate behavior now gets her playing by herself, the timeout has lost it's power) If anything, it was a good sign that we're making progress on her not so nice behavior.

My family comes with a lot of emotional baggage including manipulation, competitiveness, and healthy doses of addiction issues. They are all things I don't want to pass on to M, but the reality is that no matter what, some of it will. Every generation has the potential to improve on the last one, but in the process, we're bound to make new more interesting mistakes as well.

Hopefully M can look back on her own childhood the way I can look at mine. My parents weren't perfect, but they tried hard, and I'm definitely and improvement from the previous generations. Thanks mom.

Not a skill I wanted her to learn

Tonight M did something new. Something that she has never done before, at least not intentionally.

She laid on a guilt trip.

Maybe it started this morning when I stuck to my "if you pee in your pull-ups, you go back to a diaper". That resulted in a five minute melt down that only ended when I promised she could carry the keys out to the car. Obviously, we didn't start the day on a good note.

Tonight I worked late. Something I had to do last Friday as well. Last Friday I made it home for bedtime, but a few times recently, I haven't. I usually call at bedtime and say good night. Tonight, she didn't want to talk to me. I had called earlier, and I am guessing she was clearly mad I wasn't going to be home.

No good nights, no I love you's, nothing. I was persona non grata.

Just to prove to her there were no hard feelings, when I made it home and she was still awake, I went in for hugs and kisses. It took her a bit to decide if she wanted any, but I'm glad she didn't fall asleep mad at me.

Now with more helmet.

I keep having this total urge to sing "With her spear and magic helmet!" when we put it on her. OK, fine, I don't resist the urge either.

There is no tricycle without the magic helmet.

The guilt of tree removal.

When we moved in to our house, there were three trees on the lot. A large silver maple in the front, a decent sized English Linden (basswood family) in the middle of the back yard and a pretty good sized blue spruce in the corner of the back yard.

The big spruce, last summer.

While I was still home on maternity leave, a little breeze took out one of the trunks of the linden. Be that a lesson what not properly pruning your trees will result in. We were somewhat crushed, but honestly sort of happy that we could have some sun in the back yard.

Before removal, after the storm.

A friend helped remove it and I used the raised bed around it for tomato plants. Yay sun!

Over the last two years, it became clear that the spruce would have to go too. It was growing into the cable/power lines, and over the back sidewalk. It was either removal or prune until hideous.

I finally got around to getting and estimate earlier this week. It seemed like a good time to get it done, no storms to tie up the tree people, and we have the money to have it done. The estimate was reasonable, so I said come and do it. That was last night. Today I came home to this:

Bare naked yard!

I'm only sad that for the birds. I know it was a bad time for them, but this way I can get my veggie garden in this year. I did say a little apology to mother nature for causing this orphan egg on earth day.


For the record, I'm not totally cold hearted. We will be replacing at least one of the trees once we have resolved some drainage issues in our yard. It will however be placed such that we still have some sun for a garden. The maple in the front allows for no sun, it is larger than my house when viewed on google earth.

I am not full of ...

Tonight I was going to skip exercise. I skipped last night because we were out with A's brother's family celebrating M's birthday. (I had dessert, it was a beautiful thing) I'm also maybe possibly coming down with a cold, so I figured I'd earned some rest.

Then this little voice in my head was like,

Seriously? You're seriously going to make that excuse? You can do a silly little walk. It isn't raining. It is pretty nice, and you're going to make some lame ass excuse about being a little sick. Do you not remember that you found even MORE clothes in the closet that fit you now? You're not that far away from the entire size 16 collection of really cool clothes. Get up off of your ass and go for a fucking walk.

So I did, and then just to prove to the little voice in my head that I am not full of it, and I am becoming a changed woman, I decided to start my version of the Couch to 5K and run part of my walk. Two mile walk, I did 30 second (or so, I've timed it before and it is around 2 blocks so that is what I did) jogs 5 times.

I may not be losing much weight, but this change that has happened with me exercise wise is weird. I have no idea where it comes from most days. Maybe I should have listened to the voices earlier. Granted, I think they used to say, "Eat the cookie, it's only one cookie." repeatedly.

Reconciling yoga past and yoga present

When I was little, I was flexible. I used to fold myself into pretzel like shapes to watch TV. I would get in to little pissing contests with my 60 year old grandmother about who could do better back bends. I have been exposed to Yoga since I was a little kid. My favorite position, Plow.

The last time I did yoga was when I lived in NY and I would do it occasionally at the gym I belonged to. I weigh around 50-60 pounds more than I did then.

Today I had my first real yoga class in 8 years.

I can't do some poses right because my fat stomach gets in the way. I can't do some poses right because years of knitting and typing have caused a cyst in my wrist. I can't breath properly because I failed to realize that yoga is exercise and duh, I should use my inhaler. It was harder than I ever remember because, duh again, I'm trying to hold up and stretch out 60 more pounds of me.

It was emotional. I was happy it was dark because it was at work, and the last thing I need is the app guys I work with seeing me cry because I can't do a fucking downward facing dog.

I'm going back and doing it again next Friday, and for the next five or so Fridays. I will get better, and I've got the Biggest Loser weight loss yoga to help me get better with my poses in a well lit environment where I can pause and make sure I get it right.

It would have been a lot worse if it wasn't for how well my clothes are fitting me.

Olympic volleyball maybe?

Today was M's 2 yr checkup. Compared to previous visits, it was blissfully short. She didn't even scream for her shot, she sat through getting her lead test (a must if you live in an old house) and was super excited about her band aid after everything.

The only really fun part was the stats. I share not to brag, but because of my mild horror. I hear that being tall comes with challenges. It is a lot of head bumps, and I already know the issues with finding clothes and I'm not all that tall.

I knew she was tall, I did. The 4T shirts fit shockingly well. She had a recent growth spurt, and I knew she was getting up there. I though, 37 inches, maybe 38. She was 35.75 at her 18 mo. appointment. However, I wasn't prepared for this.

Height: 40.25 inches.
Weight: 30.25 pounds.

Ok, so maybe her head was a little off when they measured. You try measuring a squirmy kid. However, if I put in my height (5'8") and A's height (6'4") and her two year height into the babycenter.com height predictor, I get this:

Your girl will likely be 6 ft. 5 in. at age 18.

Learn More - This prediction is a "best guess" but it's still just that -- a guess. Based on the formula we used* there is a 50 percent chance that your girl's full-grown height will be within 0.7 inches (above or below) of this prediction, and a 90 percent chance that it will be within 1.7 inches.

Fine, take an inch off for a little error on the part of the woman measuring.

Your girl will likely be 6 ft. 3 in. at age 18.

The doc did say "if she continues her current growth curve". Which would make me think maybe she won't, except her feet are like seriously large (size 9). If she's anything like a puppy....

WW - Check out the new ride.

This will be the last time she rides it without a helmet (provided I can get it to fit right). Not because tricycles are dangerous, but to start the good habits young.

More Wordless Wednesday.

PS. Aren't the streamers cool?!

PPS. Thanks to Grandpa and Nana (who doesn't even use a computer and wouldn't read my blog) for the great birthday gift.

The good, the bad, the ugly

So, it was a bad week for me food wise. We ate out a LOT, and at places where healthy was just not an option. Add to that Easter, birthday cake, and well, I gained weight. Not a lot, under five pounds, so totally could be some water weight from all the salty food, but still, not super awesome.

Oh well though, right? Because it will be gone before I know it and despite all of that bad eating, I worked out in a specific sense 6 out of the 7 days last week. As in with intention and not making excuses. The one day I didn't, we chased M around Duluth for the day.

The best part was that I did the Shred after like two weeks off and it was surprisingly easy. I used only 5 pound weights, I did more push-ups than I have done before (modified, but with feet in the air), and the jumping jacks didn't kill my knees.

That last one I think is in no small part due to my taking glocosamine for the last near month. Oh, and you know the regular exercise. To start off this week today we walked around the MN Zoo with a couple of my friends from work and their daughters. I didn't bring M's stroller to make sure she got some exercise, and because it guaranteed that I would get more because of occasionally carrying her. My friends sort of thought I was nuts, but it was intentional. I want her to get used to having to be active. It frustrates me so much to see bigger kids still riding in strollers. The battles that come with her walking totally seem worth it to me if she develops good habits around her health.

So that is it. Last week was a success exercise wise, this week I get back on track eating wise. Tomorrow Kristen is finally going to go out for a walk with me. If I remember to take my inhaler before my walk, I may even jog a little.

Oh, one other thing. I'm putting off posting any pictures of progress until I get to this specific weight I have in mind. Specifically 230. I figure that you should be able to see in pictures without squinting.

Happy Birthday Little Sprout

M turned two today. It is an hour past her bedtime, and she is still talking away in her crib. It may have been the cupcake.

In an odd turn of events for a toddler, that cupcake scared the crap out of her, and she requested a smaller one.

We started off our morning with breakfast at the famous Mickey's Diner in St. Paul, an Easter tradition. After presents at home, and a nap that was too long (which may explain the STILL talking), it was her first little cupcake and a trip to the park.


We ended the day with Easter dinner (despite not really celebrating Easter at all) and the terrifying cupcake. It was a good day, a good weekend, and I'm glad that it is over.



*Well, not really over, we are going to the Zoo tomorrow.

Lucky for unknown reasons

I was going to do this before news about Maddie, but I had put it off long enough I was about to just write out a check (or click through an internet form) and be done with it for this year. However, that news has made me realize that I need to do something. I'm Marching for the Babies not just for Maddie, but for me, for M, and for all of the babies that were born early, or very nearly early.

So, here is my story.

Somewhere around 30 weeks or so, my blood pressure started creeping up. I hadn't been paying too close of attention to it, but it hadn't really been low during my pregnancy. Which is interesting because normally it is low enough to cause me issues with donating blood. When they started talking to me about it, I was blissfully ignorant. Fully swimming in the river of denial. I shouldn't have been.

It started off as just high blood pressure, but just to make sure there wasn't anything else going on, I got some extra monitoring, weekly appointments, and a lot of peeing in cups and blood draws. There was also this really horrible thing called a 24 hour urine catch. I had to clean out a LOT of space in the fridge for that one.

At 37 weeks, just past the prematurity mark, I went in for what we thought would be a regular apt. A wasn't even going to go except he had a hair cut downtown. After another high blood pressure reading, they sent us tot he hospital for some blood work. They even told us we shouldn't be there long. Man were they wrong.

In the half an hour to took to get from the Dr. office to the hospital, I had started spilling protein into my urine. I very officially had preeclampsia. I was told in no uncertain terms that she was going to be there within the day. When they went to start my induction, they realized I was already in labor, and my blood pressure was rising quickly. Rising enough that some of them were surprised I was coherent. I got a "strongly suggested" epidural (to lower my blood pressure) and M was born the next morning with only a few hitches along the way. (cord around neck, slower to scream, shoulders got stuck, you know, small stuff)

I was lucky. I was so incredibly lucky that it developed late, that she went home almost right away, that she was HUGE (nearly 8 pounds), and that the worst thing that has happened since then is she's got a touchy respiratory system and tubes in her ears. (which could totally just be genetics)

I know that it could have been very different. I know that if I want to have another kid that I risk having complications that aren't so lucky.

It is why I'm marching, it is why I'm working to lose weight (one of the only known possible risk factors for preeclampsia) and why I tell anyone I know about happened to me. I had stellar OB care, and I got lucky.

I don't want to take away anything from the donations made for Maddie to the March of Dimes, so if you're a friend or family member, it is you I'm hitting up here.

Marching for Maddie

This may be nuts, but @snarkykisses and I have a team for the St. Paul March for Babies.

MN for Maddie

We would love to get more people to come and walk with us. I will write more about my story when I have more time. Today we went crazy and had an impromptu trip to Duluth for the day (a 2.5 hour drive) with the toddler in tow. I think we may be crazy.

Random Thursday

Last night a slept horribly and I was up for the day at 4:30. In addition to the news about Maddie Spohr the last week has included news that one of M's classmate's mom's lost twins. The whole thing had me waking up all night thinking this shouldn't be happening. So tonight, some random items, mostly exercise related.

I have had my asthma/allergy meds for three days, who knew that breathing through both nostrils was possible.

Even though I've had them for three days, I've only remembered to take my asthma meds once before I exercised like I am supposed to.

Without taking them, and just walking, I'm averaging under 20 minutes/mile. Not bad for a fat girl like me. With some running it should get better, just have to remember the meds.

Once I'm down to a 12-15 minute mile, I'll add another 1/2 mile. That seems reasonable, right?

I may need to take the dog off of diet food or up what she's getting. She keeps trying to eat everything on our walk. I realized that drastically increasing her activity level is going impact her weight/caloric needs as well.

I have worked out all four weekdays this week so far. I've changed my sidebar stuff to keep it from getting out of hand. I'll just update the week's summary every day that applies and then switch to monthly at the end of each month. Three months for a habbit, six months for a life change. That would be June for my diet changes and August for the exercise. I can do it.

M turns two on Sunday, it should be interesting since she still doesn't quite understand the birthday thing and this year no party thanks to Easter. We are keeping it low key, staying home and just doing stuff as a family. I think I am going to push for breakfast at Mickey's Diner. We went there last year for Easter, and the year before for Easter when I was super pregant with her. Because it is a holiday, it isn't too busy, and the omlets can't be beat.

A deep sadness

As I've become a part of this blogging world, there have been writers who have touched me, who have made me want to keep cheering them on, keep rooting for them. The ones that touch me the most are of babies, and moms, and dad's who have come through so much. I know the blessing I was given, that M wasn't born prematurely. That my pre-eclampsia held out until 37 weeks, that her delivery was relatively uneventful, and that she only stayed in the hospital a day longer than I did.

One of the two who have touched me the most was Heather of The Spohrs Are Multiplying . I rooted for Maddie. I looked forward to seeing her grow up and thrive. I was intoxicated by her smiles. I wasn't expecting to hear the new this morning that she had passed away last night. It hit me like a freight train. I nearly left work just to go hug M.

Instead I finally did my registration for the Walk for Babies myself. (I swear I'm not a stalker, Alexa) I figure that along with my own donation, trying to raise some more money for them is the best thing I can do. This shouldn't happen. Babies shouldn't die before they even get to have a life. Before second birthdays, and kindergarten. Before first kisses, first drives alone in the car, and first trips away from home alone.

My heart goes out to Heather and her husband, and their whole family. She was an inspirational little girl. I am so sorry for their loss.

----------------

Heather's donation page is here.

Winning is so sweet sometimes

Just a random little update.

While out getting M's summer clothes (all of the summer clothes are already picked over and on sale, by the time it gets warm here, there will be school clothes), I decided to take part of the gift cards I had to get myself something, maybe a t-shirt or something, from a regular* sized store.

I wanted to go and see what they had, I figured it would be a good encouragement. I figured I could look at work pants some more.

I tried on the size 20's and they were TOO BIG! Like, really too big. I nearly cried and all of the silly little sales girls totally didn't get it. I'm sure all they see is fat and sagging skin, but I see a huge improvement. I ended up getting some summer pants with my gift cards. Next time I need to go there, it will be for a smaller size. Woo! I am so happy.

I celebrated by going out for a HUGE walk. My back is pretty sore now, but I feel great knowing it is all working.

*This particular store does end sizes online and at their outlet. I went to an outlet knowing that they would have the best chance of something that would fit.

So that explains the burning feeling

Over at the most awesome shredheads, they're taking sides for the month of April. I've been trying to figure out who's side to be one while waiting on my asthma testing (it was today, more on that later). I love Jillian, but I think I could love Bob too. So far, I've been doing neither. I've been trying to get out and go for walks. I realized that with it staying lighter out at night, I had no excuses. Especially since it would help me with some lingering winter blues.

Before I tell you my decision, a review of March.

I shredded 13 times, all on level 1. I was going to graduate to level 2, but after Comcast puked out the last time, I ended up with only level 1's. Oh well, I'll do level 2 eventually.

Starting top down:

My arms are more toned, my stretch marks on my arms are less visible, and holding my daughter for an extended period of time is not nearly as big of a deal as it was starting to get to be. I started doing punches with my three pound weights, but that was about all I used them for. I could have gone up to 7 or 10 pounders for some of the exercises.

Ab progress is hard to see when you're 100 pounds overweight. However, they feel strong, and the skin there is flabbier. Good sign. I started with pretty half assed reverse crunches (pun intended) and by the end, I could do some bicycle ones. The extra tummy I have makes some of them hard to do, but by the end, they were easier for sure. I may try to do crunches ever morning even if I'm walking.

My legs pretty much kick ass now. They always were my strongest body part, and they continue to be so. The first few squats were hard, but I'm back to being able to do big ones. I bet I could put up a reasonable amount of weight if I were in a gym. Not sure what exercise did it, or if it was overall progress, but my thighs aren't nearly so friendly anymore. Sure, they'll always be pals no matter what I weight, but now they're at least not making out constantly.

I only ultimately lost around 4-5 pounds, but what it did for my stamina was great. However, I still can't do intense cardio for very long at all. At least now I know why.

I have asthma! And some serious nasal allergies that pretty much are hurting my ability to breathe. Best part, the tree pollen is coming, and guess what I'm really allergic to! I've got meds to start right away, I've got an inhaler that should make my plans to run more of a reality, and I've got a reason for feeling so crappy.

You see, after a bit, the more I exercised, the more just zonked I was. I started getting pretty depressed. Here I was doing something that was supposed to help, and it made me feel like shit. I didn't say much about it because people were so encouraging. I did keep up with my at least three times a week thing, but I made this appointment, and hoped I wasn't nuts.

So, for April I'm picking the Bob side, but I can't find the Yoga DVD anywhere. I've got a couple more places to check, then I'm ordering it. Until then, maybe I'll shred (but don't tell Bob), but mostly I'm going to take my meds until they start making an impact, and keep up walking. Since it is walking, I'm going to go for four times a week. The weather is getting nice, so it should be even more fun.

We used to be farmers

In 1935 there were nearly 7 million farms. At that time, nearly all would have been "family" farms. Even though we were "industrialized" back in 1935, much of the labor required on a farm, or elsewhere for that matter, would have been done manually. Really, unless you were extremely well off, you had no need for exercise. Sport perhaps, but people weren't going to the gym for Spin classes three times a week.

Since that time, the number of farmers has decreased, (In 1997 there were 1.7 million) as our obesity levels have gone up. Our parents and grandparents didn't have to think so much about adding physical activity in to their lives because it just was part of their lives.

I grew up on a farm. It was a tiny organic vegetable farm commune. (before the days of CSA's and organic Target's) I never really thought about a need to exercise, because it was part of the daily life on a farm. Especially when you add in that we had to pump our own water, haul wood for heat, and a variety of other fun things that go with no electricity, no running water, and living in the middle of nowhere. Everyone around me lived on farms too. There was cow milking, throwing around hay bales, and chasing pigs. It just wasn't part of our lives.

I don't live on a farm any more, my job involves sitting at a desk. I'm struggling with making time to be physically active in my life. It doesn't seem like something that should take so much work. Yet when you look at the statistics, both obesity and societal change wise, it makes perfect sense. We got here over generations of changing to the way we live our lives.

I worry about my daughter's health, and how she may struggle with weight and body image the way I have. (I'm not the only one) I realize that the best thing I can do for her is to make the time, to make that something that she sees me doing all the time. Not just for my own health, but her future health. This cycle of inactivity started long before me, but I do my best to make sure it stops with me.

This will only hurt a little

After my wonderful experience with dental work last fall (like the last 25 years weren't already a blast), I was a little hesitant to go in for the fillings they told me I needed then. Partly it was the money (around $250 for the two), and partly it was just feeling spent on the whole tooth worry thing.

I put it off because of the money, then I put it off because of work being busy, then I put it off because I was embarrassed about how long I had put it off. Some parts of that whole sentence are especially sad because my dentist is on the first floor of my building and I don't really need to take time off so much as actually take a lunch.

I stopped putting it off and had it done today. The flex account is renewed, and I finally had enough emotional energy for dealing with the potential that I would need another crown when the finally got in to look at things. I also made the decision that I was going to go for the gas. My insurance doesn't cover nitrous (some days I think I'm lucky they cover the Novocaine), but I knew it was only 45 bucks, and I could use the flex account for it. I considered it a mental healthy charge. If I could zone out for the procedure, it wouldn't seem so bad.

It was heavenly. I haven't had it since I was a kid, and I had forgotten how out of it you can get. I was hoping for a nice hour long nap, and while I didn't get that, I'm not complaining one little bit. Absolutely worth the price of admission.

Walking to the music

Tonight I decided against more shredding (I think I need a break and a reason to get outside) and went for a nice long walk. I brought along my wee little Shuffle.

About a week ago, after getting sick of the music on the Shred, I got it out and loaded it up with some new music. It is all very good, and quite varied. From Big Audio Dynamite II, The Streets, Fleetwood Mac, B21 (from the Bend It Like Beckham soundtrack), to Duffy and Cheb Mami, it pretty much circles the globe. (heh, sorry BAD joke, oo, even worse) It works well, but with what I have in mind for exercise, it will get stale fast.

I need some new music, and I'm looking for suggestions. I prefer global music, possibly more dance type music, and definitely up beat. I love the Bend It Like Beckham soundtrack, but haven't found anything else by any of those artists. I think I have a pretty diverse group of readers, so help me out. What is good, interesting, workout music.

I want a damn cookie

Stress is getting to me, not getting to have treats is getting to me, and I'm feeling a little bit like a failure. I know it will pass, but for now, I'm hating it.

Last night I went clothes shopping and couldn't find any pants that really fit well enough for the whole new work wear requirements. I ended up trying on half the store and leaving with one pair of pants and some clearance shirts. I cannot wait until warmer weather when I can get out the capri's (which likely won't fit and I'll need to get more).

I was all ready to work out tonight and then managed to eat something bad for lunch (note to self: clean out fridge more often so that you don't grab too old leftovers), and I was in no shape to work out.

I've got horrible spring fever. All I want to do is be outside walking or getting started on running. M's feeling it bad too. She begs to go for walks with the dog, and while I'll go down the block and back with them even when it is a bit chilly, the weather has not been right for much more than that. I've got a bunch of time off starting next week, and I'm hoping the weather holds out for that and for M's birthday on Easter.

So, spring fever it is, and I think I can hold off on the cookie for a little bit longer. Maybe.