Whatnot and Such

I am knee deep in the middle of unbloggable things. Nothing life shattering, just a stress of work and family things. So instead of just leaving this space blank, I thought I'd blog about my BlogHer prep.

This will be my second year. Right now, it is the only blogging conference I go to, mostly because I have a friend that also goes. Two years ago, I wanted to go, badly, but I had just started more serious blogging (hah! hardly serious now) and everyone I knew was going. So, last year I figured out how to make it work, and I went.

Then I spent a good part of it in my room, totally overwhelmed by the crowds, the swag, and did I mention the crowds? However, I also had one of the best experiences of my life in one of the best sessions ever.

This year, I plan on figuring out some balance. My plan is to seek quieter places to connect with people. Last year I had the most fun just hanging out in quiet suites with people. I also plan on getting out to see the city. It used to be my home, I am comfortable there, and I plan on celebrating my birthday with a little indulgence.

Also on my list, before I go, is a big move. Last year post BlogHer I said I wanted to do this, and I am finally making good on it. I will be moving to ameliasprout.com some time around 8/1. I've committed to it, by putting the new address on my business cards. I've hired someone to do a header for me, and even if they aren't done in time, I have a backup plan in place.

This next year is going to be a big year for me. I am working hard to meet some major goals, and while I can't get in to details yet, this is just the start of it.

Next topic, for tomorrow. Clothes.

Integrity, It Lives Here

When the Blog With Integrity pledge first came about, signing it was a no brainer for me. Really, who doesn't want integrity. I was fresh off of an amazing experience at BlogHer and full of conviction. Then I wrote about the experience, got a lot of really amazing feedback, and promptly had no idea what to write any more. Especially when it came to blogging with integrity. Missy even asked me to guest post about it on her blog, and I just couldn't do it. The truth is, I wasn't sure what it meant for me. I needed time to figure it out.

I've been a major user of the Internet for a very long time. Back to the days when the Internet didn't have pictures other than the ones created using numbers and letters. I love the Internet. If I can't research it on the Internet, it really doesn't exist to me. I've been intentionally favoring businesses with a web presence for years. I trust the Internet. The Internet in return has been very good to me. I wouldn't have a career that I love it weren't for the Internet and technology.

Until recently, it never occurred to me that an opinion, specifically a blogger's opinion, could be bought. (I know, naive) Product placements in movies, never trusted, but blogs, blogs are honest person to person communication. It helps that the people who's opinions I love (Cool Mom Picks, Popgadget) are not, but I always assumed that any review that I read was an honest opinion. I was wrong. I know the pressure of providing for a family. I know that the way I was raised is not the same as other people. I know there are shades of gray in the world. However, I don't need to be one of them.

If I offer an opinion about something, I want you to know that it is my own opinion. I won't say I'll never do anything for compensation, but I will say that if I do, you will always know about it. You can know that I will not be bought. I value my words, they are my words. What I write about is far too personal for me to not own them. I trust you, the Internet, with a lot of what I feel and think, and I want you to trust me in return. Opinions here are that of the writer.

Finding clarity in this has helped me clear up a few more things about my relationship with the Internet. I stopped following people on Twitter who just tweeted contests, or the same tweet over and over again about their blog. I removed a few contest only blogs from my reader. I try to keep any contest stuff out of my tweets (with a few specific exceptions), and I try to only link to my own posts once. I rarely enter a giveaway anymore unless I know something about the how's and why's of how it came to be (or it is for a million dollars or trip to Hawaii, because really, just for the excuse to dream). I am trying even harder to make sure I am supporting primarily local and independent businesses. This holiday season, I'm trying to do more handmade, even if I didn't make it myself. (something cool relating to that as soon as it gets here)

I will never be someone who makes a living through the Internet, unless you count the day job. I will never be a big name blogger, I don't want to be. However, I owe it to myself to live my life in a way that I can be proud of. This, is something I am proud of.

When my blog grows up...

... She wants to be taken seriously.

I knew I should have figured out how to do this before BlogHer, but that whole damn life thing just got in the way. I knew going in to BlogHer that my intention was to be more serious about what this blog is. Not that I want to write about serious stuff. In fact, since my lifelong dream of being a stand-up comedian is never going to happen, why not pretend I'm funny occasionally on the Internet. That is however beside the point.

I've been mulling over what I want from my blog, and it comes down to a few things.

1. I want Integrity. I took the pledge even. I think it will help me focus on being a better writer.

2. I want my own domain. I've gone through registering ameliasprout.com. I had thought about rebranding, but I heard over and over again this weekend what a cool blog name it is. Especially when you know why it is.

3. I want a new design. I think I want to break up the photo stuff from the writing. I also want a section without advertising. I'm not saying that I want to do reviews, I just want a place that isn't governed by contracts. I will, no matter what, disclose what goes there. See point number one.

3a. About the ads. A domain, hosting, etc, do not come free. Just in case you were wondering, ads don't pay any bills. I'm keeping them because they may some day make a dent in things.

4. I need a better bio. I would much rather be a blogger who has a kid than a mommy blogger. If you've noticed things around here recently, I don't blog nearly so much about my kid as I do my fat (shrinking) ass and my garden. My bio should reflect that. However, I'm still not sure who I am.

5. I want to do things outside of the blog. I've been dreaming of doing those little pieces on NPR for just about as long as I can remember. I've also been dreaming about Oscar acceptance speeches. One of those is attainable. If I am going to call myself a semi-professional writer, I need to actually put some effort in to the semi-pro thing. It could all suck horribly, but then again, maybe not.


So, what do you think? Nuts? Weird? Something worth doing? I'm guessing with the hour or so every other day I have to think about it, this is going to take some time. I've got to find someone who can help me some design stuff and hope to god that the tweeps will be there to answer any questions I have along the way.

The People and the Potato

I have far more social anxiety than I had realized. I swear, this is something that has happened over time. When I was three, I used to walk up to people and introduce myself and ask them to be my friend. This weekend I followed my roomie around like a lost puppy, afraid to be involved in the conversations she was in, and afraid to start my own. I was trying my best to make sure that if I said something, it was something that was worth the air I was expelling. I believe I may have finally hit my groove Saturday night, or perhaps Sunday morning on a cab ride to the airport.

No, I do not think that more alcohol would have helped.

I went up to my room at regular intervals to just relax and breathe. I know more than once I excused myself when I wanted to stay and talk and enjoy. I hope to hell that I didn't offend anyone, and I've kept replaying situations in my mind, wishing that I had done things differently. But I didn't, I did what I did, and I can only hope that next year I do better.

That does not mean that the weekend wasn't without some little moments that still make me giddy.

I met Mrs. Potato Head.

I don't care what you say, she may not have been a Muppet, but that girl makes me look skinny.

I got to hold both of these babies. Including the part where I accidentally hid Amy's iPhone under my purse. I'm still sorry about that.


I sat and talked to The New Girl, more than once, and I'm completely floored by how funny and sweet she is. She made me feel very comfortable. I hear therapists are good at doing that.

I met a famous chef, told him how wonderful his fine restaurant's take on a kid's menu is, and then blamed him for my marriage.

I ate breakfast with a Rookie Mom.


I went and took some pictures to help me relax.


I ate Cheeseburgerherz, talked to a local writer, and made plans to go eat Chinese with her, soon, I promise.

There were so many more people. I still haven't gone through my business cards, I fear for my feed reader, but I am so happy. Things will be changing here, just a little at first, but I have a clear idea of what kind of blogger I want to be, what kind of writer I want to be. And next year, because there will be a next year, I will be at BlogHer, talking to everyone. Just try and keep me quiet.

Not my best moment.

I am sitting at the SouthWest gate in Minneapolis. My flight is late, so I figured, hey, I'll blog. This trip could not have come at a better time. M got sick, and knowing that I would be gone soon, we decided I would stay home the two days I was going to be working, as well as the one I took off to spend with her before I left. Usually we alternate, but this made more sense. Alternating is good, it keeps one parent sane at work while the other deals with at home. When you get home from work, the parent at home throws you the child and runs.

For the last three days, I haven't had that. I've also had interrupted sleep as well as a little pre-trip panic.

It has not been the high point of my parenting career thus far.

Yesterday I had to leave her in her room while I lost my shit for a little while. All of the potential romantic notions of staying home and curling up on the couch with my now verbal little invalid are just not coming true. Instead I have a pissed off in pain little midget with poor language skills. The whining is non stop, and she's hitting, spitting, not doing anything that would actually help her feel better and calling me names. I know, in the good part of my brain that she hurts, but she doesn't have the words to talk about it. The bad, sleep deprived, stressed out part of my brain lost it's cool and had to call my own mommy. Almost two and a half years, and I finally found that point, the one where you understand how people can snap and hit their kids or worse. I can't even imagine if I were a single parent, or someone who didn't have a good support system. (Mine involved last minute shopping with Kristen last night. She's a saint.)

It doesn't help that lately it has been all Papa all the time. She's a completely different person around him. He's a saint, and the cure for pain apparently. It may also be that I left her, for the first time she knows I am not coming back after a quick trip to the store. She cried doubly hard when I confirmed, yes, I was going on a trip today, we were going to the airport. But then when I left, I do believe I nearly saw her kick my ass as I turned around.

Either way, this is a much needed break. Now to pull out the book, or crochet, while I wait for my phone to charge before charging the laptop. It is going to be a long night.

The best laid plans

I may have mentioned before that I'm sort of a geek about lists and planning. I had my whole week before BlogHer planned out. Doing laundry, shopping for stuff for the house while I'm gone (making sure that they are stocked up so that there is no need for solo Target runs). I even had my packing laid out, based on what I am taking that I may need to wear to work, making sure it all fits.

Apparently the universe thought that was terribly funny. They decided to throw in a little child illness to really make things fun. You know, something nice and contagious that I am now making ever effort not to get myself. It could be strep*, it is going around daycare, or it could be random virus. (so far, no concerns of "the flu", wrong symptoms)

Sure, I don't have to worry about work clothes, it is 6 PM and I am still in PJ's, but that nifty geeky packing list? yeah, that would be at work, where I will not be before I leave. I'm catching up tonight by packing, seeing as I can spend tomorrow in my PJ's too.

The worst part is, I feel like I'm no longer mentally prepared for the whole damn thing. I'm stuck worrying about what M is sick with instead of how I am going to fit the extra two pairs of shoes I'm bringing for Christina. Maybe it is good, maybe it will keep me from dwelling on the fact that I'm leaving my baby for three days! Or maybe I'll just be a big mess come Thursday night when I get in.

*The first test was negative but she had just gotten sick. I have a 6th sense for these things. I am rarely wrong, but I often bring her in too early. I guess it is conditioning from having her in daycare and knowing the sooner she starts the antibiotics, the sooner she will be back in school. We go back tomorrow if she is still sick.

Because nothing says panic like a handbag.

I was just waiting for it to happen. I knew that eventually, some time before I left for BlogHer, I would completely lose my shit. I guess I just didn't think it would be about a purse. Those of you who know me can stop laughing now. Except Kristen, she totally gets me.

Sometimes, a purse is not just a purse, it is:

• The first time that you have carried something that you had no intention of carrying diapers in, because dude your kid is two and potty trained.
• A purse, like a real honest to goodness adult bag. You're 32, why are you not carrying an adult bag. Still with the messenger bag?
• You're 32, why don't you feel old enough to be 32, holy crap shouldn't you have done more by 32.
• Two? She's two, it has been over two years and you've never left her. Include gestation and we're at almost three. Shouldn't you feel more guilty for leaving?
• Why can't I find a damn purse that looks like a grown up purse, but doesn't look like a granny purse, but doesn't look like you're 25, because dude, your 32!!!
• Does this purse make me look like a grandma? Is it edgy enough, is it too big, is it too small?
• What am I doing, I shouldn't go, I shouldn't do it, I don't have the right handbag. People are going to think I'm a loser. Would I be a bigger loser if I carried my Timbuk2 messenger bag?
• I wish I had an iPhone, or at least an iPod Touch with wifi.
  

Thank god for understanding coworkers who get panic attacks. I'm beginning to wish I had insisted on medicating prior to BlogHer. So, if you see me hyperventilating in the corner, tell me my purse looks great. If you see shopping at Macy's, stop me before I blow the house payment trying to find the perfect damn purse.

*Fine, I'm not 32 yet, but it is like three weeks away (you're welcome to buy me a birthday drink). I'm already feeling 32, in case you couldn't tell.

Pre BlogHer Freak Out #1

Last year around BlogHer time it seemed that everyone from Savvy Source was going and I was totally bummed about not going. Every post about preparations just made it sting. I remember that feeling. So if you can't go this year, but you wanted to, I'm sorry about this post. You can just ignore it unless you want to laugh at how much of a geek I am.

I am a major spreadsheet geek. I would make a spreadsheet for just about anything. It is this huge challenge to see how much I can automate. Because I am a spreadsheet geek, I made a spreadsheet for my packing this year. A list of everything I need to bring, with the clothing organized in to outfits with what day they are planned for. I even use reference cells so I only had to type some stuff out once. There are even these nice little boxes so I can check it off as I pack it up. It hasn't stopped me from freaking out, but I'm trying.

If you're curious what all is on it, I offer you some highlights.

Remember the awesome black dress? I'm wearing it with these shoes. (in red) Well, I will be if the size 12 ones fit better than the size 11 ones do. Thank god for Endless, or my big feet would never get cute shoes.

I also got this dress from Lands End in a super bright orange. It looks just awesome on me, and I am absurdly happy that I fit in to their regular stuff. Beginning to fit in "regular" sizes opens up so many more choices in clothes and I am drunk with power.

Also from Lands End, this skirt. Can I get an Amen! for the a-line skirt. Well, the a-line anything really. I got it in brown. I convinced my mom, who hasn't found a skirt that flatters her well in years, to get the last black one. Pairing it with a turquoise t-shirt and flip flops.

Last but not least, a nice pair of jeans. Gap jeans. Now that I'm Gap jeans eligible they are discontinuing the style I fell in love with. The Essential jean. They were on super sale at the outlet, so I bought a pair in the size I'm wearing now, and a pair a size smaller. I may actually be in the smaller size by then. Relatively certain that they will be paired with a tank top, cardigan and the oh god I love him even more Michael Kors sandals. Why do I love him, it is not just because he is a "top American designer", no, it is because the man makes size 12 shoes. Take that Crocs!

For non clothes highlights:
Extra bag for any swag I get (which I promise to share)
Neosporin and band aids because I am a notorious clutz and there are two new pairs of shoes involved in this adventure
Potholders!!! If you're going, and you see me, ask me for one. They are my "swag" if by "swag" you mean something I've been doing for a couple of weeks to keep me from going nuts about leaving my kid for the first time like ever.
My Moo mini cards made from some of my headers and some of my other favorite photos.

Say, if you're going, say Hi to me. I promise to say Hi back. Swears.

My own adventure weekend

So, after freaking out more times than I can count, I finally made a decision about BlogHer. I'm going. My pass is already purchased. I decided this even though A suggested that perhaps the universe was trying to tell me something with the whole wallet thing. Apparently if that is the case, I am not listening very well.

What sort of put me over the edge was Jen's comment.

c) It's an experience. New experiences are always worth the time/effort/money.

You see, Jen (I know her outside of the blog) is the queen of adventure. She's downright inspiring about it in fact. I play it safe a lot, and I used to be the person who was adventurous. I moved out east by myself, moved to NYC by myself (with jobs to go to, but still). I took off to Europe with no plan other than a plane ticket and even though I may have called my mom freaking out the first night, eventually, I just took off and went where I wanted to, with people I barely knew. I even had a random border guard run in because of someone I was with having a Peruvian passport.

I miss that person. I miss going out of my comfort zone. It is winter, so I'm a little more blue than usual, but I think that maybe this is just what I need to get me out of the funk I've been in. I spend a lot of my time these days caught up in being M's mom. Even at work, because of being a working parent of a small kid, everything I do is influenced by being M's mom. I don't travel, I don't work as late, and outside of work, I don't take any risks. (unless getting pick pocketed for the first time in your life counts)

So, this is my adventure this year. Last year I was jealous of the people who got to go, because I wanted to. This year, I'm lucky I can go. If you're not going, feel free to live vicariously through me, I'll try not to let you down. If you are, you better come and say hello. If I'm freaking out, I'll be the one knitting in the corner.