Apparently, I'm just really hairy for no good reason. My tests made it back in time, and while my testosterone is not low, it is not high either. That means basically that while I may still have PCOS, it is unlikely. Unlikely enough to not get an ultrasound to know for sure.
I was given a prescription for Sprionolact, which blocks testosterone to hair follicles. The thinking being that maybe I've got some super sensitive hair follicles. However it's main function is as a diuretic medication for high blood pressure. It can cause potassium issues (no banana for you!), and I should have to pee a lot. (yay, cause I don't do that enough...)
What I wasn't expecting was that it would hit me so hard. I wanted it to be something solid and specific. I wanted it to be something that I could attack, could deal with. There is no guarantee that this medication will help at all. That means that I may never wear a foundation makeup again, will never be comfortable having my picture taken, will never want to socialize like I used to. I realized how crippled I have been by my own insecurities about this. I'm so afraid of what people will think, of how I don't want anyone to see me like this, so I sit at home to avoid dealing with it. Not only am I fat, I'm hairy, and while there are some pretty fat girls, they certainly aren't covered in hair. I don't feel pretty in the slightest.
So I cried a little bit while driving back to work, and made a stop at Target to get the prescription filled so I didn't have to go back right away. While I waited I went and tried on clothes since I have two pairs of jeans that really fit, and they're starting to show the wear. The ones I got fit well, and were a smaller size than I expected. (still starts with a 2, but ah well) I even tried on some trouser jeans that were flattering but would require high heels, which sort of set me off about how with big feet I can't get any good shoes. (facial hair of a guy, and shoes as big as a drag queen's...)
I've had a little time to think and I need to do something about how I feel about myself. I won't be a good role model for M if I keep this up. If it takes saving up for laser hair removal or waxing regularly (ouch!) then I guess I save up the money or suck up the pain. Try and take the time to make sure that I feel good about myself. Maybe I'll start with some professional waxing and some dressy shoes that actually fit so I can wear those flattering trouser jeans. (A girl cannot life in Keen's alone) Maybe the medication will work, but I will do my best to love myself not matter what.
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6 comments:
1. Keens rule...but I know what you mean.
2. Sorry you are going through this. That really sucks. I hope the medicine helps things. And who knows? A little money thrown towards improving how you feel about yourself can be a good thing. I've been having self-esteem type stuff lately too- being super critical of my (much) less than perfect post-baby body. But then I try to remember
3. 'Your body made a person which is a beautiful, amazing thing.' And I am positive that to M, you are the most gorgeous, precious person in the entire world!
4. (HUGS)
Oh, good luck. Hopefully the meds will help, but I think it's great you're thinking about what else you can do about it.
Yay for the smaller size than you expected jeans! That's a bonus. Have you tried looking for shoes at TJMaxx or Marshall's or the sale racks at Macy's and other nice stores. One plus to having bigger than average feet is that not as many people are picking over the sale racks for your size... Just a thought.
Good luck!
I'm sorry you didn't get a definitive answer- that sucks! (but at the same time it is really good that it's NOT PCOS, kwim?) Also, I've heard that sugaring is less painful but just as effective as waxing. I am sure our salon friend S could help you out.
Ug. What a bummer. It sounds like you would like to save up for laser. Is that a permanent solution?
It's so frustrating when there is no clear cut answer as to what might be going on. I've had this problem constantly with my thyroid hormones - they're low, but still within normal limits, so nothing can be done.
If it's bothering you that much, laser hair removal can be a good option. It's not as expensive as I thought it was. (Yes, I've looked into it as well.) Here's hoping the meds work and give you some relief - it's hard to feel positive when you don't like how you look.
good for you :-) sending some self love your way!
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