Apparently, I'm just really hairy for no good reason. My tests made it back in time, and while my testosterone is not low, it is not high either. That means basically that while I may still have PCOS, it is unlikely. Unlikely enough to not get an ultrasound to know for sure.
I was given a prescription for Sprionolact, which blocks testosterone to hair follicles. The thinking being that maybe I've got some super sensitive hair follicles. However it's main function is as a diuretic medication for high blood pressure. It can cause potassium issues (no banana for you!), and I should have to pee a lot. (yay, cause I don't do that enough...)
What I wasn't expecting was that it would hit me so hard. I wanted it to be something solid and specific. I wanted it to be something that I could attack, could deal with. There is no guarantee that this medication will help at all. That means that I may never wear a foundation makeup again, will never be comfortable having my picture taken, will never want to socialize like I used to. I realized how crippled I have been by my own insecurities about this. I'm so afraid of what people will think, of how I don't want anyone to see me like this, so I sit at home to avoid dealing with it. Not only am I fat, I'm hairy, and while there are some pretty fat girls, they certainly aren't covered in hair. I don't feel pretty in the slightest.
So I cried a little bit while driving back to work, and made a stop at Target to get the prescription filled so I didn't have to go back right away. While I waited I went and tried on clothes since I have two pairs of jeans that really fit, and they're starting to show the wear. The ones I got fit well, and were a smaller size than I expected. (still starts with a 2, but ah well) I even tried on some trouser jeans that were flattering but would require high heels, which sort of set me off about how with big feet I can't get any good shoes. (facial hair of a guy, and shoes as big as a drag queen's...)
I've had a little time to think and I need to do something about how I feel about myself. I won't be a good role model for M if I keep this up. If it takes saving up for laser hair removal or waxing regularly (ouch!) then I guess I save up the money or suck up the pain. Try and take the time to make sure that I feel good about myself. Maybe I'll start with some professional waxing and some dressy shoes that actually fit so I can wear those flattering trouser jeans. (A girl cannot life in Keen's alone) Maybe the medication will work, but I will do my best to love myself not matter what.