Thursday, March 5, 2009

That was then, this is now.

I was going to do a great post about what I used to look like, when I was a smokin' hot 17 year old. (graduation pictures) However, the scanner died in the over a year since we last used it, and so no old pictures. Maybe if I can figure out another scanner source.

So instead, I'm going to dump part of the contents of my brain out for the whole world to see. Because you know me in a sports bra wasn't enough.

I haven't really gotten in to being in shape, really bought into it, since I was 17. Back when I was 16, I was away at the Art High School, boarding away from home. I was miserable, hanging with a bad crowd, the subject of the "worst teasing" my teachers had ever seen, and anorexic. I starting breaking into online games (text based MUDs and MUSHs, 100 bonus points if you know what I'm talking about) through the library card catalog system. There, I met I guy. A six years older than me Canadian guy. It was awesome. He liked me for me, he thought I was beautiful (oh god, as I write this out, I realize in today's terms how nuts this all was).

I met him in person (committed a felony, he did), we dated long distance. He inspired me to be hot like he was. (he was a "specimen") I started working out, taking Tae Kwon Do (the only martial art in my small town), and lifting weights regularly. I was HOT. I had started taking antidepressants that year, and I felt great.

Then came Christmas. I went to visit. I got dumped. I got dumped TWICE, while stuck in a foreign country! I was broken. It was my first love, and it is a broken heart that left scars. I don't know if they will ever go away. Just thinking about it makes my stomach tie up in knots, remembering how I felt.

I put all of that anger into working out even more (and hitting on the guys I worked out with). I got even hotter. And then... I moved on. Sort of. I went to college. (freshman 40 anyone?) I dated other guys. I quit exercising.

I made a slight effort when I lived in NYC, because it was what you did. However, I never put my heart into it like I did when I was 17. I kept waiting for the right inspiration, the kind he gave me to get in shape and be a gym rat. I kept looking for something outside of me to push me, and it never happened.

I'm 31 years old, and it isn't going to happen. It has GOT to come from me, and no one else. My diet, my lifestyle, the kind of example that I set for my daughter, has got to come from me. So, with all of this shredding, I'm taking ownership again. Sean doesn't own that part of me, I let him have control for almost 15 years, and it isn't his any more.

Oh, this is the oldest thing I could find electronically. From when I last saw Aaron and met Christina in person. That is her dress (and corset) I am wearing. She made that, and she rocks! I was roughly 50-60 pounds lighter then.


Christina said...

I forgot that you looked far better in that dress than I did.

(And it's funny to see my buddy Jason in the background of that pic!)

Ms. Huis Herself said...

Hello, cheekbones! :)

Sarah @ said...

That guy sounds like a jerk!

I can't get over the fact that he dumped you on a holiday visit in a foreign country.

I think the sort of getting-into-shape you're doing now, when it comes from you and you make an effort because you want to, is much more admirable than the sort that is induced by heartbreak anyway. Good luck! I'm still cheering you on!