I was asked to write about this before, and I think I am finally ready to. If nothing else than to maybe try and get over my fear of that particular parking lot.
Late August, after a fun state fair visit, I took M to Target to do our grocery shopping. I usually take her with, since it is time together that I would rather not waste. I was incredibly distracted. My tooth was not remotely securely in my mouth despite spending three hundred dollars the day before to have it put in. (after the dentist didn't respond to his page). I was also incredibly stressed. I love the extra writing I am doing, but it is a lot more work than I thought it would be. I was already on edge.
I stopped, no one was walking in the cross walk (there were people, but they weren't doing anything, I didn't know what they were waiting for), there were vehicles stopped in it. I went through. I got stuck behind some people and was blocking the cross walk for longer than I wanted to. You need to know that I am the person that stops for the person in the cross walk. I yield to pedestrians.
I was distracted to say the least, and doing what I needed to. When I got out of the car an old guy asked me if I always go through cross walks when people are crossing. He scared the crap out of me. I lashed out. He lashed out back. I said horrible thing, I swore, I went to get M out of the car, and he kept coming at me. And I got way more mean. I don't entirely remember what I said, but I know I asked him why he was doing this to me when I was there with M. I called him an asshole, well, fucking asshole. And other horrible things.
He and his wife asked me if I always am so mean to people with artificial hips, people in their 70's, etc.
Some stranger came and started attacking verbally as well. Said they were taking down my license plate. That was when I started really crying. I broke. They left. I pulled it together enough to get into Target.
I got M in, I got her in a cart, I called A. I made it to housewares. I tried to tell him how horrible I had been. How I wasn't being myself, how ashamed I was. He couldn't understand what I was saying, he came to help me. While I was crying M reached out to hug me.
My 16 month old daughter had to comfort me.
I tried to shop, I tried to be normal.
A security guard came to me, I tried to explain I wasn't nice to the person, that I was scared, that I was mean. I just cried. In the middle of the clothing section of Target. I told her A was on the way. I went to the front door, I tried not to cry more. I tried to keep M calm. She brought my water. She was an angel.
A showed up, we did the grocery shopping.
I wish it was a funny story, but I'm pretty sure it isn't. I know I have a mental illness. I know I have to be careful, to medicate it when I need to, to take care of myself. I know that I will need to tell M about it, watch her and make sure that if she needs help she gets it. I will not repeat the past and ignore it, and let her think that she is less or weak because of it. I hope that she does not have to deal with it.
I was not prepared for her to have to comfort me before she could talk. I was not ready for that. It is why I took a break after it all happened, why I walked away from the extras in my life. It's why I needed to write this out despite the breaks to wipe away the tears.
There is another commentary I have on this, but it will have to wait. Life goes on, the laundry needs doing.
A knew I was crazy before he married me, and he still married me. We fight, we struggle, we make it work. He never fails to be there for me. It has been seven years since our first date today, and he is always there for me.
PS - I wouldn't have the courage to put my crazy out there if it weren't for Catherine. Show her some love, let your crazy show.