Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Two.

There is just something logical about having two kids. You know, replace yourself, but don't contribute to global overcrowding. An heir and a spare. A square family. I guess it just seemed like that was what would happen. Except, one is expensive, and our house is under water (mortgage wise), and we have other debts, and one daycare payment is already a large portion of what I make. So, we've decided to stop at one. We've been through all the scenarios given our current situation, and unless something major changes financially one is all we can do without stretching ourselves so thin that we would be miserable. I grew up with stretched parents, and it sucked.

And I'm sad about. More sad that I thought I would be. One should be enough right? People try so hard just to get one, I should be happy with one. She's awesome. But I'm sad. Tonight on my walk (3.3 miles in an hour), all I saw was families for four, or pregnant women.

It doesn't help that today I was supposed to see my OB. An appointment I looked forward to. My OB is one of the few doctors that I have really liked and gotten along with. I wanted to see her before I saw my endocrinologist next week. I wanted to talk to her about how despite regular exercise (still keeping up at least three days a week, sometimes more), and eating relatively decent, I am not losing weight. I feel like crap, tired all the time. I wanted to get her opinion before I dealt with the endocrinologist that I don't like. Except today she had to deliver a baby. Just another reminder. The only appointment I could get with her is two months out. N0 good for me to get her opinion.

Instead I made an appointment with an obesity and endocrinology clinic. It is kitty corner from me in the cities. Appointments will require taking half days off from work, if not full days. However, I want to be treated as a full patient, and that is what they specialize in. I don't want to be like this, but I don't know how to not be without at least some help. Diet and exercise the way I'm doing them are not working. I also want to talk to someone about pharmaceutical help for all of the stress I am going through. All this exercise should be helping my general mood, and that it isn't, means that it is time for me to ask for help.

Speaking of the exercise, I am still plugging along, even with taking a week off from riding bike. I am bummed about not losing weight, but I am gaining muscle. I can feel it, and it would be what usually happens to me. I sort of wish I wasn't, but I know it is a good sign. Muscle burns more calories than fat does. Still, I would feel a little better if my thighs weren't larger (and harder) instead of smaller.

6 comments:

Ms. Huis Herself said...

Oh sweets, giving up any dream can be a loss. Give yourself permission to grieve for the loss/change of your life plan & the dream/hope/plan of two kids. It's going to be hard. It's going to be emotional. It will take a little time to adjust to the idea.

Focus on the positives of one? With one, it's a LOT easier to go places & do things, even non-so-very-kid-friendly things. You're both really focused on that one; she doesn't have to share the spotlight. It's a lot less $ to pay for 3 plane tickets than 4 when vacation time comes! ;) No sibling rivalry/fighting (oy vey, today!).

Good for you for taking the steps you need to help yourself. So crappy you couldn't see your OB today, but good for you for moving forward anyway. I've been so impressed with your sticking-to-it-ness with the exercise. I always start out strong & then fade fast & slack off. (Like now. Have you met my tummy. His name is Moe. He's the child of Ms. Had Kid(s) and Mr. No Sit-ups. *sigh*)

April said...

i know it's such a personal decision, but for me, i couldn't do just one. i'd rather be stretched and have two. i think there's something so special about siblings. obviously, not everyone would agree and this is a deeply private choice, but i hope for you that the family economics change in such a way to allow you another bebe.

Shanu said...

We're only having one also ... together we can only begin to make up for the Duggers.

BTW, I like some of Jillian Michaels ideas on weight loss and calories. She was one of the trainers on the biggest loser. She suggests thinking about calories/week instead of calories/day ... and then having high and low days (but never going below 1200). Supposed keep your metabolism up because your body doesn't know what its getting.

Works for me.

rew said...

In some ways, I think I could have written this post. I have been walking 5 miles at least 5 times a week now for a few months, and have lost a total of 10 lbs, most of it right away. I think though that the body tends to lose a bunch, then stop, then lose a chunk again instead of having a slow loss. I assume it's because of the muscle building, which would negate any fat burn off weight wise. I can definitely feel that changes, so I just focus on that, versus what the scale says.

As for #2, I understand. We've been trying forever so I know the "it's not in the cards" feeling, whatever might be the reason. I do have couple of small recommendations if you want to think about a few possible budget options (I love to talk about money and how to save it because I am an obsessive freak). We decided if we do have the second ever, one of us would likely leave our jobs since at 2, daycare and a seocond income would be a bit of a wash.

Anyway, too much for one comment. Email me if you want to talk more.

Susan said...

Family isn't just what you have living in your house. We've ended up with a crazy extended family with nothing more connecting us than the fact that we like each other.

Christina said...

Well, you know my feelings on it - I can make it work if it's something I really want, and there's never a time when anyone is financially ready for a child. But I understand where you're coming from too.

As for the weight loss - I hope the new doc can help you. Once we have insurance again, I may look into that too. I've been at the same weight for 3 weeks now - no change. It's like my body got under 200 and then hit the brakes hard. Nothing will make the scale budge.