Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Confessions of a fat girl.

I am sitting in my office, having had a rough day caused by a visit to the Dr. Well, and a toddler. When does TWO not have an effect on my day.

I have in my office a prescription for a weight loss pill. Not the nice newer one that has less side effects, because that one costs a whopping 138/month and I just don't have that kind of change laying around. This is a prescription for Phentermine. Well, not a prescription, I actually shelled out the 30 bucks for the pills themselves.

I'm still not sure if I want to take it. I can't find any information on it written by women I would seem to care anything about. I'm terrified of screwing with my already screwed up brain just to move this whole weight loss thing more forward. I'm writing about it here because someone needs to.

I am tempted. I am tempted because I am slow in losing weight (though every month since last October I have lost at least something). I am tempted because I snack out of control some days. Sure, meals may be healthy, but this window between 2 and 4 it all goes to hell. I am tempted because I live in a house with a person who is not the best influence on my eating. Not that I blame him, he just doesn't make it easy some days.

I also have in my house a bottle of antidepressants. I really should have kept track of which ones made me fidget to bad I wore a hole in my sheets with my feet (scratchy heels?). I'm pretty sure it is not that one.

I'm scared as hell about not being able to do this without the serious intervention. Have I mentioned that?

Today the nutritionist confirmed what I already knew. I know how to eat right. I just lose it on the execution. She did give me some good info that will help sorting out the labels and brands to find the best choice. She also gave me a new online tool that should replace the WW site and spits out all kinds of awesome graphs and charts and makes my geek side silly happy.

For now though, I think the pills stay in that drawer, high up in the book shelf. They say it can form habits and with a family history like mine, for now, I don't feel like risking it.

I did the 30 Day Shred tonight. My arms shook so bad I had a hard time drinking a glass of water when I was done. Today I added up my calories on the new site (will share if I end up really loving it) and I came in right where I should. I can do this. I can make this work. Just me and the bottle of antidepressants.


Whitney said...

All I can do is wish you strength. Thinking of you.

Anti-Supermom said...

Amelia, you have to keep remembering that you have lost weight, every month - just like you wrote. Progress.

I was looking for you at BlogHer - I would have loved to say 'hi'. Maybe NYC?

Birdie said...


Rebecca said...

It sounds like you are scared of the pills. Hmmm. Keep trusting yourself.

I have to say that I don't know anyone who has lost weight every month for almost a year. That is amazing!

We are all here rallying for you. Keep it up, superwoman!

Marketing Mama said...

You are doing so awesome. I can understand your hesitation to taking pills- of both kinds. Sounds like the antidepressants could really help. Also --- I am so impressed with your determination. You have been working so hard at this! And the shredding thing? OMG. You are a stronger woman than I. Hang in there - keep it up!

Tree said...

You are amazing. You can do it!