Full

 I chase fullness. Completeness.  I chase it like a woman starving for a drink.  I chase it even though I know it will never be caught.  I try to fill in the gaps with food, with things, with aimless uses of my time. I long for a feeling that I am enough to fill in all the holes without any assistance.  I will never be enough.
I use mantras, I use reinforcement, but it feels as if I am made of Teflon. Nothing sticks.  Except the weight. The weight adds up like nothing ever has.  The more my body grows, the more empty I feel.  The more space I take up the more invisible I am.
I’m lost.  I don’t know what to do next. Every time I restrict/diet, the viscious cycle hits me back harder than before. Like whatever I’ve lost adds to the inertia of the return.

I can’t feed my kid

H is seven.  I’ve been reflecting on those seven years as I try to except lain her issues with food. Try to understand it.  We’ve been dealing with her refusal to eat for seven years.  Her unexplained, mostly, odd issues with food. I’m trying to remember it all. Hoping for the magic realization that somehow makes it all make sense.
Born at 37 weeks.  Pushed off on my ribs to an unsuspecting ob.
First feeding issues around 10 months. Blamed on recurring ear infections. Wouldn’t nurse because of pain, caused low supply, hated low supply, wouldn’t nurse but always wanted to. Mom didn’t sleep, supply got worse, switched to formula to save sanity. Two sets of tubes. Soy formula.
Toddler would eat only food she wanted to. At daycare regulryvgot sandwich instead of healthy meal because refused to eat.  Liked fruit.  Tried to survive on Mac & cheese, cheeseburgers, and air.
Now won’t eat easy mac though she lived on it for ages.
In kindergarten, diagnosed with ADHD. Found out part way through year she never ate school lunch. She hated how it tasted. Tried multiple choices for packed lunches. Hot, cold, things she lied at home, bento style. Nothing seems to work. Have now settled on uncrustables, ouch apple sauce &some kind of cracker. Maybe finishes it 2/3 to 1/2 of days.
First grade, found to have not gained weight & basically stopped growing for a year. ADHD meds suspected. Dose dropped, added non stimulant.  Growing again but in firs & sports. Still has limited palate.
I can’t feed my kid and it is breaking me. I seem to gain what she should. I can’t focus on my eating while dealing with hers.  I can’t fix this and it hurts.