Little Voices

I have always sort of felt that my body had betrayed me when it came to food. I never seemed to get that whole "you're satisfied, quit eating" thing. I never really heard a damn thing until it got to the "holy, hanah, are we ever stuffed" point. That whole reasonable portion thing never seemed to work for me.

Maybe it was a childhood with a killer metabolism (I could out eat just about anybody, and still was skinny, pre-puberty), maybe it was just my brain's screwy wiring. You know, the stuff that causes depression, and in some in my family, addiction.

Whatever it was, it never seemed to be there.

So, based on a part of the whole "fat acceptance" movement (oh, I could write a lot about that) I've been trying lately to not worry about every little calorie that I take in, and just listen, really good and hard, to what my body is trying to tell me. Eat when I am hungry, not just because it is "lunch time". Stop when I am satisfied, not stuffed. Eat the foods that I crave, trusting that my body knows what it needs.

So far, it seems to be working. Well, sort of. I hear it. There are however some conflicting voices in there. Namely the one saying, "you're stressed, you deserve the candy". I'm pleased that the good voice is really there. I don't feel like I'm quite so broken anymore. I just wish the other voice wasn't winning out so much.

Going in to BlogHer, to go along with my commitment to running, I'm going to try to let the good voice win out. Perhaps while imagining it as a cartoon dog dressed as an angel on my shoulder. Just to help it out, I'm going to do my best to keep healthier snacks available. If the stress does win out, at least I can give it something better than a Twix for it's trouble.

Running Haiku

When I run, it is a constant inner dialog reminding me of proper form. Like a haiku playing over and over again in my head

Head up, shoulders back
Eyes on the path, abs sucked in
Don't over pronate

Focus on breathing
Keep moving, you can do it
Watch your foot placement

I repeat it over and over again as the exhaustion kicks in and I have to work that much harder.

Head up, shoulders back
Eyes on the path, abs sucked in
Don't over pronate

Focus on breathing
Keep moving, you can do it
Watch your foot placement

I remember to pace my breathing. I focus on my abs and making sure my core is stable. I pay attention to how my knee feels. I watch the time and push myself to go faster if I need to.

I can feel the muscles in my stomach, my legs, my arms. I can visualize running without the burden of all this extra fat and skin. I keep that in my mind when it gets hard.

There are times, every time I get out there, when I think about not doing it. When I consider just walking instead, like I used to. It is a conscience choice to commit to this. I make the choice every time, because I know the pay off is worth it. I can see the progress I am making. It was small at first. It is becoming more noticeable all the time. I am running under a 15 minute mile. I am adding distance. I am making progress.

Learning Experience: Fat Girl Running Edition

Things I have learned as a fat girl running:

1. Thin fabrics and short lengths do not work in running skirts. I have too much floppy skin/fat on my inner thighs and it just can't hold its own against that part of my body. (but huge kudos to Running Skirts for the amazing customer service)

2. KT Tape is no match for the size of my knees and the amount I sweat. It lasted (mostly) through one run. Not long enough to justify the price for day to day. Perhaps for races though.

3. Random large men in large Cadillacs will give you props for your running when you dash across the street to get home.

4. So far I have found exactly one pair of running shorts that actually work (as in don't ride up) and that I am not completely freaked out to be seen in. It doesn't help that I have some extra belly skin and I'm tall. I suspect either of those things not being an issue would increase my choices.

5. This would not be possible without the support I get from a very diverse group of people online.

6. Morning comes way earlier than you want it to. It is however the only way to beat 90 degree heat.

In the Nick

No matter what you call it, some times things happen right when they're supposed to.

I've been shy on writing posts lately because I seem to keep writing the same post over and over again. I'll give you the Reader's Digest version.

Work is stressful. I like to eat, especially when stressed. Being sick sucks. Exercising is hard.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Some times however, things all come together right when they should, and there is a little glimmer of light. Right before things could have completely taken a turn for the even darker.

Things like finding an awesome true story about love that helps you remember the early days of your great romance. Remember all of those wonderful things that brought you to where you are today. (On the off chance that you are like me and have lived in cave and have not read the true story of how Ree, The Pioneer Woman, and The Marlboro Man met & got married, before you click that link, get a box of tissues and call in sick to work. You will not be able to stop)

The above becomes especially timely when among other things you learn of another divorce in the making.

Things like taking your daughter to her first movie, at a drive in. To hell with commercialism and a sleep deprived kid the next day. It was an awesome Father's Day wish and a fun night out. She has discovered candy and there is no turning back now.

Things like going to the Dr. and having their scale show you lighter (fully clothed even) than your scale at home. (let's be honest, you never get on that thing with clothes on) Which is sort of awesome after you had a thoroughly demoralizing run the night before.

I'm sort of glad I held off on posting all of that woe is me crud. Annie may be right after all. The sun is shining brightly all of a sudden. (no kidding, it just came out as I was writing this)

Which means I may need to mow the lawn more than go for a run.

Naw, I hear the prairie look is totally in.

Fat Girl Running

The whole time I've been doing the Couch to 5K, I've been focused on just making it through so I could make it to the next thing. There was always the next interval to make it to.

I'm here. I'm at the last interval. I can run 30 minutes.

The next part, this part I'm not so sure about.

I need to go faster, and I need to go farther.

I don't know how to get there. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this.

Tonight when I was running, I felt fat for the first time since I started this. The faster I try to go, the more that I bounce. It is uncomfortable and frustrating.

So I think the next thing is to just keep trying to farther. The pace I'm going is slow, but it is going none the less. It is doing what it needs to do right now. Maybe I'll always be really slow.

Who knows though. Maybe the fast will happen some day.

Thirty Minutes

There was a time, when I wasn't sure I would ever be able to run a minute. I could barely walk a mile comfortably, so there was no way I would ever be able to run.

Then I worked harder. I survived the Jillian's shredding. I kept walking until a mile became two, became three miles in under an hour. I biked to work with forty-five pounds of kid and gear.

I still didn't believe that I would actually become a runner.

I started though, determined to conquer something new in my quest for a healthier me.

A ran for a minute. One minute became ninety seconds. Ninety seconds became two minutes, became three minutes. Then five, eight and ten.

Tonight it was 30 minutes. 2.14 miles.

I have a hard time imagining that I will ever go faster than I do right now. But my 15 minute mile has already become a 14.5 minute mile. Eventually, with some luck and a lot of hard work, it will be a 10 minute mile.

Constant Craving

This summer at BlogHer, provided that I can afford it, I want to get another tattoo. I want a small sprout, for M, because she is my little sprout.

However, the way things have been going lately, I think I should get this tattooed somewhere...

Reasons not to have that ice cream, cake, brownie, soda, ice cream cake, cookie, chocolate, etc...

1. One pound of weight is five pounds of force on your knees. Every step puts an excess 350 pounds of weight on each knee. OW! They hurt more just thinking about that.

2. Skinny jeans

3. Size Medium

4. Sun dresses with strappy straps.

5. Ann Taylor, Banana Republic, and J. Freaking Crew

6. Totally being a showoff about your mad running skillz.

7. Living a life without insulin, or drugs that make you sick, or worries about something preventable.

8. Getting in on the leggings and flowing top trend before it goes

9. Boots without wide shanks

10. The rest of your damn life, is it really worth all of that sugar?

A Wee Bit of Ripping Off

Bless me father Jillian for I have sinned.

As of today it has been three days since my last run.

In that time I have eaten piles and piles some sugary treats. I have also imbibed of just one Leinie at the game alcohol and four pieces a little bit of pizza. not to mention all of the damn fine kettle chips.

Apparently my body did need some major traumatic possibly life changing events a little break, so it wasn't all bad. I finally started losing weight again five freaking weeks after starting the Couch to 5K.

Don't worry, for my penance I have already made the ultimate a little sacrifice. I did Week 4 of the C25K. In 48 degree weather. And pouring rain.


I ran for 5 minutes (TWICE!) in the pouring rain and lived.

Boo Freaking Yeah!

PS. I am not trying to offend any Catholics, I swear.

The Bee's (slightly tweaked) Knees

Dear Week 3,

I just can't quit you.

Sincerely,

A. Sprout


I've sort of been half assing (it is a word, I swear) participation in Liz's challenge, but I'm making it official.

Week 3 kicked my behind, or well, my knee, all over the place. Friday, it started hurting a little. Saturday, I ran again because I needed to get one more Week 3 in. Sunday, any time I left it bent or stood on it for too long, it was killing me. I still had to mow the lawn however, so I powered through. When giving M a bath on Sunday before bed, all of that kneeling on the hard bathroom floor did me in. I spent some quality time with Dr. Google and determined that I had runner's knee. Common, but you know, consult a professional.

One thing that I've learned is that all of the normal rules don't always apply when you're doing fitness activities and obese. I bet those little stick figure like people would have issues if they carried around a 60 pound backpack while gleefully jogging down the path too. (bitter, who me? ) Before I ever considered C25K, I spent close to a year walking and building endurance. I dropped 30 pounds. I can't even imagine doing this when I weighed 260. You have to listen closely to your body when you have this much extra stress on it. When they say consult a Dr. before beginning, they mean it.

So, yesterday, even though I was pretty sure I knew what the issues and solutions were, I went to see a Physical Therapist. I want to be in this for the long haul. Getting hurt and having to stop is not an option I want to even consider.

The good news is, Dr. Google was mostly right and it is a common issue with easy solutions. The therapist, and her assistant, were supportive and encouraging. (part of the reason I went with a female PT) They were able to easily identify the issue and give me information on what I needed to do next.

I am very lucky. I don't have to get a referral to see a PT. I went right to the subject matter expert (SME if you're really a geek) and didn't waste any time not training.

I'm repeating Week 3 again because my lungs just don't feel up to going beyond 3 minutes. However, last night (4th time on Week 3 workout) I started to feel like I was breaking through. I was recovering faster and not ending the interval completely out of breath. Tonight, a nice little walk trying to beat the rain. Tomorrow I'm back at it again with another Week 3.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go stand on my tiptoes, do a mime routine with a wall and invisible chair, and lunge a little. I love PT homework, really I do.

While I'm Doing the C25K

There is something blissful about having close to an hour nearly every day to myself. It doesn't matter how hard I am pushing my body, it feels indulgent to not be catering to the every need of a kid, husband, or housework. I think, about a lot of things. Here are just some of the things I think about:

If my body doesn't start dropping weight soon, I'm going to cry.
My knee really hurts. Stop it knee. I need you to work so I can get skinny and make you happy.
You can do this
You are better than this
I'm pretty sure I'm close to the end of this three minute run, I think it was just after the first chorus in this song.
Stand up straight, no one is as worried about your stomach flapping around as you are.
What do they call that stupid bit of fat/skin that hangs down where the sun doesn't shine, skirt? Stupid thing. I hope I can meet my goals and justify that tummy tuck.
Running? Again? OK, you can do this.
I wonder how stupid I look and sound to the people out walking their dogs, all huffy and puffy.
Screw them, I'm Wonder Woman.
She's just walking in her high waistband jeans up to her damn bra, I'm running dammit.
God, if I ever wear jeans that look like that, somebody shoot me. A muffin top looks better than that.
I wonder if I dress crappy enough to be on What Not to Wear.
Is Clinton Kelly gay or straight? What am I thinking, it is none of my business.
Running. Time to run.
Even out your stride, or your other knee is going to get messed up.
Stand up straight, look ahead.
I said straight.
Stupid pollen, this sucks.
You can do it.
You can do it.
You can do it.
Almost there, don't slow down, you can do it.
OK, there is no way in hell I am going to do Week 4 next week. I'm repeating, for real this time. Maybe by then everything will stop blooming.

Sugar... Oh Honey Honey

If I were like the other members of my family, my addiction would come to some illicit or controlled substance. I really consider myself lucky that this is not the case. Instead, I deal with having an unhealthy relationship with food. Which sort of sucks because I can't just give up eating cold turkey.

I'm going to oversimplify this a bit, so forgive me. My body has a number of cells that are insulin resistant. As in, they resist the effect of insulin to process sugar. My pancreas responds by producing more insulin. (which can cause my pancreas to eventually wear out causing Type II Diabetes) I have an excess of insulin in my blood stream, not all cells are resistant, and those non resistant cells in turn tell my body to feed it more sugar to balance out the insulin. The resistant cells are likely fat cells. The non resistant ones, the important stuff like my heart, lungs, muscles. I eat more sugar. I get more fat. It is a vicious cycle. (see a more scientific explanation here) Fun side note, excess insulin also causes production of excess male hormones. Hello hair!

Add to that an unhealthy relationship with food. I eat to celebrate, and I eat to deal with unhappiness. So basically I am giving myself an excuse to overeat all the damn time.

The solution is, give up sugar and kick my behind in to high gear to lose those resistant cells.

Missy asked this question on my post about the hairy issues, and I sort of want to answer it, because it is something I've actually given a lot of thought to. Since this is my blog, I figure why not do it publicly.

I wonder - and these are just thoughts for you to ponder, not to respond publicly -but if you've considered Overeaters Anonymous?

I have actually. While no one in my family has ever managed to maintain sobriety with the assistance of AA, it has helped. The part that unfortunately doesn't work for me is the faith one. Over half of the steps deal with God directly. I wish there were other common alternatives, but alas there are not. There are eating disorder programs however, and I am looking in to those along with therapy.

I also wonder if a program like Weight Watchers might help you set goals and keep that immaculate diet you speak of?

I have tried WW before, to varied success. Unfortunately the points program doesn't specifically deal with the limitations my dietitian suggested for me. You can get away with a LOT of sugar in WW and not have it effect your points. (they do a combo of cal, fat & fiber) If all I am watching is points, it doesn't work. The better thing for me to do is track my food and watch my carb/protein/fat percentages. I have not started doing it yet, that requires some meal planning, which I did this weekend. I start on Monday getting back with the site they recommended. (myfoodiary.com) I will track my food, good or bad, 6 days a week. I find it is nice to give myself a day off since there are times when I want to just go out to eat and not care if I can find nutritional info online. Especially since I love local ethnic restaurants more than chains. It doesn't mean I make bad choices, it just means I don't track.

I'm damn serious about the sugar thing. Since Wednesday I have had some really good dark (low sugar) chocolate, two bites of some stellar local ice cream (from M's dessert on Friday at Sen Yai Sen Lek) and a sip of A's coke. I have passed up free cookies, a churro from Boca Chica Taco House, and pastries from Sarah Jane's for A's birthday.

It is so much easier to just say no to everything then try to negotiate in my head what I can get away with and what I will have to give up later to make up for it. It is not 100 percent. They put sugar in everything. There is more sugar in "Healthy Request" soup than there is in just plain old "Select" soup. Take a look at two of the same product side by side, one regular and one "light". In many cases when they remove fat, they replace that flavor with sugar. Salad dressing is infamous for this. If sugar is your issue, you are better off just using a small amount of the full fat stuff than trying to do a full serving of the light. Better yet, make your own vinaigrette so you know exactly what you're eating. For the most part, I either make it, or try to find the least offensive option. No High Fructose Corn Syrup (for a good piece about what that does, see this) (and my reaction to all of that here), and as little added sugar as I can. There are sacrifices (sweet pickles), but the payoff is completely worth it.

One last thing from Missy.

The times in my life when I try to do things my own, on my own sheer will, are usually the times I fail. But those times when I lean on others and let them help hold me up? Those are the times I am victorious. :)


This is absolutely me relying on others. I would NOT have had any kind of success like I have without the support of people who read my blog, people who respond to my silly tweets, and the information I learn from other people willing to write about it on the Internet. That last one is why I'm being so honest about this.

I got some good news on Friday night, in the middle of that dinner. While I don't have the exact numbers to compare, I know that my insulin levels went down from last January. I'll know more at my next Dr. apt. It was just the encouragement I needed to know that I'm on the right path and that I can do this.

Changes

In my life, I have had pixie cuts, I have had long hair, I have had any variety of in between. I've even had a Mohawk. I have used my hair as a way to mark changes in my life. I have used my hair as a way to mourn losses. I have used my hair to piss people off. It has been pink, orange (I was trying for blond) and it is now pepper, with a liberal amount of salt mixed in.

I hacked off a good portion of it earlier this year. I had been growing it out, but it was getting scraggly, ugly and tangled easily. It was nice. I told my lovely stylist she only needed to leave it just long enough for a ponytail. It was right above shoulder length.

I wasn't nearly so concerned about ponytails today. It is about as short as it can go shy of a pixie cut. It is awesome. It is off my neck. It is something I can have fun with. It is wildly curly at this length.

I may, just maybe, consider coloring it. Not to cover the gray so much as turn them a fun color. Like blue.

In the mean time, here it is. To run tonight I had to do itty bitty pigtails and a headband. Small price to pay for a little change to go with the big change happening with me.

Wake-Up Call

I have PCOS. I am insulin resistant. I'm still obese. (BMI of 33.9) All of those things add up to the one thing about it that honestly drives me the most crazy.

I have hair on my face like a fifteen year old boy.

In April of 2007, with a just born M. I look like I could use a shave. Also, damn I didn't realize how bad the edema was from the pre eclampsia. Look at my hands!

For the last year I've been taking a medication that blocks some of the DHT that causes the hair growth. DHT is dihydrotestosterone. Too much if you're a woman, and you grow facial hair. Too much if you're a guy, and you lose your hair. Fun stuff. The medication, spironolactone is actually a diuretic used to treat high blood pressure. I've just been abusing it for its side effect. I don't take the full allowed dose, so the plan was for me to up the dose, if everything checked out.

This last Saturday I went in to my Dr. office for some routine bloodwork. Spironolactone can cause high potassium, which can cause heart problems, so one of the tests that I have done with some regularity is to check for high potassium. I'm not an easy blood draw, but I have never had it go so badly they couldn't get enough blood to do my tests. Until Saturday. I ran in to what has to be the worst and most obnoxious phlebotomist ever. She absolutely destroyed my one good vein, and made another four holes in the process of trying to get something out of me. The good news, she got enough of a dribble for them to do my fasting tests. Bad news, my potassium was high enough for the Dr. to call me somewhat panicked about it.

Since a stressful blood draw can cause your potassium to get out of whack (endorphins and adreneline FTW!), I requested a retest. I specifically tried to make sure that someone else would do my blood draw. I took time off from work so that I could get in as soon as possible (today), and I drove the 45 minutes from my house to their office.

Only to be greeted by the same vein mangler again. Guess who was the only tech available.

I lost it. I screamed and cried all the way home. I called in sick to work because I could not stop crying. If I can't get that test redone, which would now require missing more work just to possibly have the same result, my only option is to stop the medication, and watch the hair come back.

I have spent most of today trying to find information about options. I have IM'd my husband trying to talk myself down off of this ledge. I joke about the hair, but the reality is that it bothers me. Bothers me like I don't feel like a real woman with all of this hair. If I laser it off, it will grow new follicles. The other medication choices I have are out of reach financially. I'm doomed to have to grow it out to a length that can be plucked or waxed regularly, and I'm telling you, those mothereffers grow fast.

There is another choice however. One that I think scares me almost as much as a life spent both overly hairy and fat.

Diet and exercise. Like, lots of it. No sugar, no bad carbs, no junk food, no fast food. Just an hour or more of intense exercise five times a week and an immaculate diet. On the plus side, I would be able to eat all of those potassium rich foods I have had to avoid because of the drugs. On the down side, it would seem that now is the time to confront my demons regarding self worth, and food addiction. Sweet! I've been maintaining my weight, which is great. I've also been able to exercise more than I have since I was in high school. The real story however is that I have yet to completely deal with my bad relationship with food.

At least there would be shopping still, because the idea is that I would get myself down to a healthy weight, and quickly. Now if the Dr. would just call me back so I could run this all by her, I would go out for a run. That would be better than trying to forget there is chocolate sorbet in the freezer.

Side note: If by chance, my German heritage is also partly to blame for the hair, then once I am much much thinner, I could get zapped in the face for a nice sum of money. Awesome huh? Also, this site, though pushing supplements (that I might look in to, with the help from a naturopath), has a lot of good information.

Running Without Being Chased

After five times doing Week 1, partially because I wasn't sure if I was ready for week 2, partially scheduling, and partially who are we kidding, it just scared the crap out of me, I am ready to move on to Week 2. You know, on Monday. Well, maybe tomorrow. To heck with resting days.

So far, this is going incredibly well. Better than I could have ever hoped for really. Music motivates me and the podcasts are doing exactly what I want them to do. However, after three times, the same sequence of music does tend to get a bit old. So, I went out and bought myself a USB microphone, and recorded my own podcasts. (why yes, I am a geek, nice to meet you) All of a sudden, having a Mac makes perfect sense. I have a very, very, very, trust me, eclectic music collection. It makes for some pretty fun and interesting running music choices. Think, Beyonce' meets the 80's and a little roots rock for good measure.

The other thing that is going well is managing my asthma. It was rough there for a bit, seeing as my major allergy is to trees, and well, it has been a bad spring for that. However, getting the diagnosis and getting the treatment last year has really changed how I feel about exercise. I am pretty sure that this has been a lifelong thing. I grew up with one of my primary caregivers smoking in the home. (My grandma Marie) I also grew up around wood smoke, lots of it. I tried once, just once, to run after realizing that I forgot to use my inhaler before I left the house. That will never happen again.

Running right now, with it's intense exercise, is keeping me sane. A knows this too, which is why when I say "I have to go run" he never argues, never complains about who is doing more primary kid care. Meeting my goals of running a 5K seems very much in reach now. In reach enough that I may be just crazy enough to say that at some point in my life, I want to run a half-marathon. Well, maybe I should start with small steps. How about a 10K?

PS. I am trying to figure out a way to publish my podcasts. As well as maybe polish them up a little bit. I really enjoying hearing people's suggestions for music, so at a minimum I am going to do a post at some point with the full play lists. If nothing else than to make somebody laugh.

A Runner I Will Be

Last year when I started with the Shredheads, I started slow. I was starting close to 100 pounds heavier than most of the people who were doing it and I knew that going in to it the last thing I needed to do was burn out quickly. I didn't do more than level 1 Shred. When it got warm, I moved my exercise outside. I tried to run, but learned I have asthma in the process. I took it slow. I still made a lot of progress. By the end of the summer I could mostly walk (some short jogs) close to 3 miles without any issue. I was even able to do it in under an hour.

This spring, I started right back up. I was able to go 3 miles right from the start. Basically meaning that while the scale didn't move down over winter, I didn't really lose anything fitness wise.

Last year when the Shredheads moved on from Jillian to the Couch to 5K program, I wanted to go with them. Unfortunately I just wasn't ready. I was still figuring out how to manage my asthma. I also couldn't figure how to do the whole timed thing. I tried a stop watch, it didn't work. I looked in to runners watches, and new iPods, but they were all more than I was willing to invest.

This year is different. This year when Liz put up her challenge, I knew I needed to be done making excuses. When Missy brought up on Twitter that she had bought an iPod and was downloading C25K podcasts, I knew my last issue was solved. The podcasts allow me to get the music I love as motivation with someone else providing the timing information. Missy even pointed me in the direction of what seems to be one of the best ones you can find (given our age and musical taste). Carli's whole website is a great motivation.

I did Week 1 - Day 1 today. I thought it was trying to kill me at one point, but I beat it. I didn't cheat once. I ran when you are supposed to run. I walked when I was supposed to walk. I even did my regular 3 mile route and after the program was finished walked the rest of the way home. It took me longer than everyone else, and I am sure it will slow down and be hard and I won't go as fast as everyone else, but I will finish it. Liz's goal is the Liz Logelin 5K in September. I plan to do that to, but I will also do the local road race a whole two blocks from my house on Labor Day. If it being that easy to participate isn't a hint that I should get my ass in gear, I don't know what is.

A little side note:
Throughout the whole journey of exercise and trying to get healthier, the one thing I never wanted to do was feel bad about not always being as fast or as aggressive as everyone else. I knew there would be times when I wouldn't meet my goals. I refused to feel guilty, because those kinds of negative emotions just set me down the path of failure (totally have a duh! moment here as it relates to other parts of my life). If there is any piece of advice I can give to others, especially those with a lot to lose, that is it. You can't make excuses either, but you need to find your own pace as you move forward. You don't need to apologize to anyone or feel bad about that. All that matters is making progress.

The Great Outdoors

I like exercising indoors... wait no. I can't lie anymore.

I hate it.

I just attempt to fake it every winter because if you're trying to be healthy, you need to exercise, no matter what the wind chill factor is. The reality is that I can only fake it so long. What I long for is being able to get outside, breath fresh(ish) air, and stretch my body in a place that doesn't require making sure I'm not going to hit myself or injure a piece of furniture.

It is a damn good thing that spring came early. Not that it would have stopped me entirely. I have found over the last couple of years that my limit is around 40 degrees. I'll even wear my mittens when I'm out walking/running if I have to just to be able to get out. The hardest part is enough daylight.

Since last Saturday, when it finally got warm, and the dreaded daylights savings time kicked in (I hate adjusting my sleep), I've been out five out of six days. That one day I didn't, it rained and I worked late, because it was raining and I wasn't going to get out anyway. I've even managed to do some real honest running in there. I'm not where I was last fall, but I am not bad at all. Give me another week or two of good weather (and an understanding husband because this all happens pre new bedtime) and I think I may be ready for a 5K in (gasp!) May!

I have a whole winter of not doing as much as I should to make up for. I have a good five pounds of back peddling I need to get past before I get back on track. However, unless we start having monsoons, I'm not worried, even a little.

So I Remember

On Twitter, I'm one of those random people who likes to tweet my new posts, the odd things I'm doing, and my dinner plans. It just seems like the kind of thing you do on Twitter. With some regularity, I've been getting requests for the stuff that I tweet about making. I then write up what I did and email it off to whomever asked.

It serves two purposes. One, it is sharing, and sharing is always good, and two, it makes my husband happy. You see, I'm unlikely to pay complete attention to what I am making. If he likes it, I may make it again, but since I don't remember what I made, there is a chance it isn't going to be as well liked. I'm notorious for making things without the same ingredients in the house, or for tweaking them to make them healthier.

So if I write them up for others, chances are I'll remember what I did enough to be able to make them again. Everybody wins.

One of the things I'm struggling with is finding healthy options that are quick (and thus easy) for this dark and cold season. I have an extra restriction to what most have in that I not only need low fat, lower carb, but as little refined sugar as possible. It was something I brought up with the nutritionist at my appointment last week. Her response was to give me a sheet with some quick and easy ideas for meals. None of them had real portions, they were just ideas of what you can do. It turns out they may be perfect inspiration.

Which now gets me to my point. The original suggestion was for equal parts instant brown rice & water, a can of lowfat cream of chicken soup, a pound chicken breasts, and some seasoning, curry is good, Mix in a dish, bake for 45 minutes. Here is what I actually did:

1 & 1/4 (the extra 1/4 was what was left in the box and could easily be left off) instant brown rice. (Uncle Ben's)
1 & 1/4 c. water
1 can Campbells Cream of Chicken- Healthy Request variety (you don't miss the salt or fat, I swear)
2 larger chicken breasts, cubed, the smaller they are, the faster they cook
1.5 T. pure Ancho chili powder (not the mixed up cheap kind, the good stuff)
1.5 t. ground cumin
1 small can of roasted and diced mild green chilis (I've been liking the Trader Joes kind)

Mix it all up and put it in a 9 x 9 pan. Bake at 375 for 45 minutes, top with a little lowfat cheese, put back in the oven until the cheese melts, serve and enjoy.

It was really tasty, theoretically proportioned right for four servings, and very filling. We had it with some green beans, both A & I had plenty to eat, M had some (darn thing is becoming a pickier eater), and we have a large serving of leftovers.

I'm thinking I could take the original suggestion of curry or try a different seasoning combination in the future. Perhaps make it all mushroomy with a different soup and lots of diced up mushrooms. (wouldn't that just be perfect for a church basement gathering) The possibilities are endless, and there are a lot more ideas on that sheet. Mmm...

The Measure of Success

I have not hid it, but this winter has been hard for the whole weight loss goals. I was sick endlessly last fall. I have also struggled with figuring out how to fit in exercise without the benefit of the great outdoors.

I knew going in to my appointment with the nutritionist and the endocrinologist today that I had likely gained weight. Not much, but weight is weight. Every time in the past I have not lost as much, there is more talk about weight loss drugs. Not that I don't appreciate the care about my weight, but honestly that number is secondary to the other issues I went in for. (the facial hair of a teenage boy if you're keeping track)

I wasn't looking forward to it. I mitigated it with a little retail therapy before the appointment. I needed some more basics. It would seem that my XXL basic t-shirts are no longer suited for public wearing. They are even pushing it for PJ's. So, I went searching for new shirts. In turn, I got a surprise.

When I was pregnant, and after I gave birth, I was wearing a men's XXL t-shirt. Not a small item of clothing. Today, I bought a men's medium hoodie. (women's hoodies rarely fit my monkey arms and cover my long torso sufficiently for comfort) A MEDIUM!

The XL women's shirts I got seem... large. Granted part of that is the fit, but I went in to my appointment confident that I had had a better winter than I thought.

When I got married almost five years ago, I weighed 10 pounds more than I do right now. In the almost 9 years since I moved back to Minnesota, other than that period where I was too broke to eat enough, I have steadily gained weight. Sure, some diets have worked short term, but I have never managed to make it through the winter without gaining most of it back.

Until this winter. Two pounds is all I've gained since September. Two pounds is nothing. It is a giant bottle of water. It will be gone before I know it.

I have no reason to be discouraged. I made it through winter. I have succeeded. In a month, the sun will set late enough that I can get outside to exercise. By May, I will be planting my garden, and by June, harvesting something. By August, I will be even hotter than I was at the last Blogher while I take NYC by storm (on my birthday no less).

Fitting it In

Honestly, I don't know how I make it through the day some days. No really, I don't.

There is work, two full time jobs, with some after hours work for both adults in the family, getting a kid to daycare, keeping my house at least pretending to be clean, cooking all of the meals, and taking care of the preschooler, while pretending to also not lose my mind.

It feels most of the time like I balance on the edge. I am just barely cutting it at work, at home, as a parent. I know that isn't true, well, mostly. My cleaning commitment leaves much to be desired.

It is one of those times where the universe conspires to make things even more crazy. Both A and I have major projects at work, that will include evenings and weekends, M is at an age where she is very needy, and has learned to talk back, like a two headed monster, and I'm trying desperately to find a way to stay on top of my health goals. That means exercise near daily and no more eating out, including lunch.

So far, I'm finding only a little bit of success. I've managed to work out in the morning twice, with serious good intentions for the third time. (I was diverted from my goal by a missing sports bra. I only own one.) It seems to work best when I lay out everything I need to wear the next day the night before. That includes socks and that one lone bra. The realization that if I work out in the morning I don't have to again at night seems to drive me to get up at the ungodly hour of 5:30 AM.

Cooking/eating is still hard. I'm starting to realize that M is now old enough where I don't need to feed her five minutes after we get home. I can wait just a bit longer to make something healthy. I still need to figure out how to expand my winter cooking, but thanks to Andrea, I took a look at something other than dried fruit and frozen veggies at Trader Joes and found us some more options. I even tried to make oven baked chicken fingers tonight for dinner. I can make the seasoning choice better, but my yogurt marinade followed by bread crumbs worked pretty well. Small steps, right?

For the local women. My absolute favorite women's athletic clothing store (though it looks like they have a lot more other stuff now) Title Nine, just opened a store in Edina. I found it when I followed them on Twitter while perusing their site for some more bras. I am seriously thrilled about this since I am a long time fan, but I liked their store in Boulder (where I found the best sports bra ever) more than trying to find what I needed in a catalog. I will be going on Friday at the latest, and I promise to report back.

Here to There

This lovely post is inspired by the inspiring Heather. Talking about being fat is hard. No matter what kind of person you are, your life and your values are judged by the size of your waist. No matter how open minded you are, I would bet that just about everyone has judged someone else for what they perceive is their relationship with food. There are people that think we shouldn't get health insurance because it is our fault we are fat. There are people who don't understand who fortunate genetics have been to them. There are also people like Heather who are willing to talk about something that too often isn't talked about. So this is for Heather.

Doing the Shred, or any exercise, when you're obese is hard. If you work out, consider doing it while carrying around your 32 pound toddler. Wouldn't be easy would it? Now consider trying to do it with three of them. That is what it is like to exercise when you're obese. (for this example, we're going with what I was overweight by when I started, around 100 pounds)

Your knees, while admirably (maybe) supporting the weight you carry, do not like extra impact. Your lungs, while hopefully successfully supplying your body with oxygen, likely don't have much extra capacity for things like jumping jacks or butt kicks. It feels incredibly defeating to realize that you can't do the things that seem to come so easily to other people. It can make you want to give up.

I was really lucky when I started doing the Shred. While I have never been awesome when it comes to cardio, I knew that my body was capable of doing a lot. Granted, I was twenty-three the last time I really made it do anything, but I knew I had it in me. The thing I learned very quickly is that you have to start somewhere when going from here to there. It is a path of small steps, especially to start with.

For my knees, I started taking glucosomine. I'm not sure if it did anything to help, but even if it was all in my head, it was worth it. I also took every low impact modification on the Shred that I could. I replaced higher impact cardio exercises with the low impact ones when I just could do it. (god I love punches) I almost immediately went out and got new shoes. I realized I couldn't do some of the abs stuff because of my flabby stomach, so I repeated the exercises I could do when it came to the ones I couldn't (I still do that some). I stuck with it long enough to see that the third time was easier than the second time that was easier than the first time.

I got a good sports bra (well, I had one, but had never used it). I got mine from Title 9. They have great options for the big boobed, or just floppy boobed. If you aren't getting hit in the face by your boobs, exercise is a lot more fun. I also got good wicking pants. For me, I could do XXL from Target. If larger than that, I found a great site in JMS.

When it came to walking and eventually running, it wasn't any different. I started walking half a mile at a time. That is like five blocks. That is nothing to people who are remotely in shape. However, it was huge for me. Every few days I pushed myself farther. I pushed myself faster.

The most important thing I did was get myself a cheering squad. I participated in the Shredheads. Real life, online, it doesn't matter. I have nearly completely given up, but I didn't because I had the support of a community. Last fall was hard, and I quit for awhile, but I am back here, getting up at 5:30 in the morning (two days and counting) because I know that when it gets hard, there will be people here to help me.