16,368 feet, 4,988 meters (for you Canadians)

Due to rain, and visits to the in-laws for the best fireworks in town, and romantic dinner dates with my awesome husband, I hadn't run since last Saturday. Today was my last day with no kiddo for the foreseeable future so I made the most of it...

...and ran 3.1 miles (fine maybe just three when you figure in the half a block to and from the parkway)

I ran three miles.

I don't think I've ever run three miles in my life. Seriously, like never. Well, until today.

The best part is, it will not be the last time I do it. I may even do something crazy, like run four or even five miles.

I still need to add another half a mile to get to what I am have committed to do for BlogHer, but I'm trying not to think about that right now. Right now it is all about the three miles.

Three hard fought, delicious, take your breath away, make you sweat in the 80% humidity miles.

Thirty Minutes

There was a time, when I wasn't sure I would ever be able to run a minute. I could barely walk a mile comfortably, so there was no way I would ever be able to run.

Then I worked harder. I survived the Jillian's shredding. I kept walking until a mile became two, became three miles in under an hour. I biked to work with forty-five pounds of kid and gear.

I still didn't believe that I would actually become a runner.

I started though, determined to conquer something new in my quest for a healthier me.

A ran for a minute. One minute became ninety seconds. Ninety seconds became two minutes, became three minutes. Then five, eight and ten.

Tonight it was 30 minutes. 2.14 miles.

I have a hard time imagining that I will ever go faster than I do right now. But my 15 minute mile has already become a 14.5 minute mile. Eventually, with some luck and a lot of hard work, it will be a 10 minute mile.

With a Little Help

Tonight I did Week 4 of C25K. For the third time. By all rights, I should be using this opportunity to move on to Week 5, but I won't be doing it.

I want to succeed at this. I NEED to succeed at this. I find it so easy to give up sometimes, and I know I can't give up on this. There is a prize at the end and it is having the life that I want. So, I don't move on until I know I have mastered the current week. I don't move on until I know I will succeed when I try the next. It is a feeling, where I don't struggle through every run. It is when I can sprint at the end of the runs and really open up my lungs and stretch out my legs.

Last week, during all that rain and miserable cold weather, A said something to me that stung. When I said that I wasn't going out, he said that that was the me that he knew. Finding excuses.

Before you think that he was just being and ass, because I sort of did that already, know this. He knows me very well. He knows that sometimes to really get motivated, I need to get pissed.

So instead of making excuses, or just doing the Shred, I went out, and ran, in the pouring rain. When I called him out on the whole giving up thing, he did point out that it worked. He knew exactly what he was saying to me and why. I am so lucky that I have someone that will support me through all of this.

He hangs with the kid, gets baths ready, and often puts her to bed. He does it without complaining one little bit. It makes me want to not give up. It makes me run when I have a tickle in the back of my throat. It makes me run when I don't want to. It is what is going to make this a success.

This last March we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. I wanted to write a post for him, but I couldn't figure out what to write. From the beginning, our relationship has felt private, and special, and I didn't know what if anything I wanted to share. However, here a couple of months later, I finally figured it out. I wouldn't be where I am right now, if I didn't have his love and support.

Happy (late) Anniversary honey bunches.

Athletic Ability

I am not an athlete. I have never been an athlete. I tried in middle school to be on the swim team. I was horrid. There is at least one of my friends from back then that reads this blog and can attest to that. (I am not counting my mother, she always remembers things as being rosy) I gave up swimming for theater and speech team. I even made up my own game in gym class (with some other equally non athletes) to get out of playing the dreaded volleyball. (my hate for that game rises from the fact the damn ball always hit me in the face, on my glasses)

My one and only stint of decent fitness came from Tae Kwon Do and some incredibly well channeled anger from my first broken heart. Also, I got a kick out of impressing the guys in the weight room at the CC with my ability to do squats. Which may relate back to the broken heart more than a little.

Today was Couch to 5K - Week 3 - Day 1. Today I jogged (very slowly) for three minutes straight. I didn't pause, I didn't give up, I didn't walk. I made sure I went from "now" to "now". (now is the trigger word I have set to the exact times on my podcast) Then, I did it again. I did something I would have never thought I would be doing. It took real work not to break down and cry when I finished that first three minute interval. I knew that hyperventilating would not be good for my recovery walk. I felt like a real athlete.

When I am doing those running intervals I feel powerful. I feel like I can take on the world. I feel like a runner. I feel like a real athlete.

I work to make sure my posture is good. That one is hard because my inclination when my boobs are squished down is to try to hide my stomach. The more I run, the easier it gets. I also have been focusing on breath control more. I know that with asthma, specifically exercise induced asthma, it is is important that I not let myself get too out of breath. I pay attention to my hips, knees and feet. I have to conscientiously make sure that I am not favoring whatever body part was recently giving me trouble, for fear of messing something else up in the process. It is very much a meditative process for me.

The process I started last year, with the Shredheads, then with walking all summer, and then starting C25K this year, is something I don't ever intend to give up. I have passed the 21 days to a new habit many times over. I have taken breaks for cold weather, but by the time spring arrived I was already itching to get out and back to my routine. Spring picked a good year to come early.

I cannot thank Liz & Missy for being the final push I needed to embark on this. I cannot wait until we can all get together and celebrate this together.

Running Without Being Chased

After five times doing Week 1, partially because I wasn't sure if I was ready for week 2, partially scheduling, and partially who are we kidding, it just scared the crap out of me, I am ready to move on to Week 2. You know, on Monday. Well, maybe tomorrow. To heck with resting days.

So far, this is going incredibly well. Better than I could have ever hoped for really. Music motivates me and the podcasts are doing exactly what I want them to do. However, after three times, the same sequence of music does tend to get a bit old. So, I went out and bought myself a USB microphone, and recorded my own podcasts. (why yes, I am a geek, nice to meet you) All of a sudden, having a Mac makes perfect sense. I have a very, very, very, trust me, eclectic music collection. It makes for some pretty fun and interesting running music choices. Think, Beyonce' meets the 80's and a little roots rock for good measure.

The other thing that is going well is managing my asthma. It was rough there for a bit, seeing as my major allergy is to trees, and well, it has been a bad spring for that. However, getting the diagnosis and getting the treatment last year has really changed how I feel about exercise. I am pretty sure that this has been a lifelong thing. I grew up with one of my primary caregivers smoking in the home. (My grandma Marie) I also grew up around wood smoke, lots of it. I tried once, just once, to run after realizing that I forgot to use my inhaler before I left the house. That will never happen again.

Running right now, with it's intense exercise, is keeping me sane. A knows this too, which is why when I say "I have to go run" he never argues, never complains about who is doing more primary kid care. Meeting my goals of running a 5K seems very much in reach now. In reach enough that I may be just crazy enough to say that at some point in my life, I want to run a half-marathon. Well, maybe I should start with small steps. How about a 10K?

PS. I am trying to figure out a way to publish my podcasts. As well as maybe polish them up a little bit. I really enjoying hearing people's suggestions for music, so at a minimum I am going to do a post at some point with the full play lists. If nothing else than to make somebody laugh.

A Runner I Will Be

Last year when I started with the Shredheads, I started slow. I was starting close to 100 pounds heavier than most of the people who were doing it and I knew that going in to it the last thing I needed to do was burn out quickly. I didn't do more than level 1 Shred. When it got warm, I moved my exercise outside. I tried to run, but learned I have asthma in the process. I took it slow. I still made a lot of progress. By the end of the summer I could mostly walk (some short jogs) close to 3 miles without any issue. I was even able to do it in under an hour.

This spring, I started right back up. I was able to go 3 miles right from the start. Basically meaning that while the scale didn't move down over winter, I didn't really lose anything fitness wise.

Last year when the Shredheads moved on from Jillian to the Couch to 5K program, I wanted to go with them. Unfortunately I just wasn't ready. I was still figuring out how to manage my asthma. I also couldn't figure how to do the whole timed thing. I tried a stop watch, it didn't work. I looked in to runners watches, and new iPods, but they were all more than I was willing to invest.

This year is different. This year when Liz put up her challenge, I knew I needed to be done making excuses. When Missy brought up on Twitter that she had bought an iPod and was downloading C25K podcasts, I knew my last issue was solved. The podcasts allow me to get the music I love as motivation with someone else providing the timing information. Missy even pointed me in the direction of what seems to be one of the best ones you can find (given our age and musical taste). Carli's whole website is a great motivation.

I did Week 1 - Day 1 today. I thought it was trying to kill me at one point, but I beat it. I didn't cheat once. I ran when you are supposed to run. I walked when I was supposed to walk. I even did my regular 3 mile route and after the program was finished walked the rest of the way home. It took me longer than everyone else, and I am sure it will slow down and be hard and I won't go as fast as everyone else, but I will finish it. Liz's goal is the Liz Logelin 5K in September. I plan to do that to, but I will also do the local road race a whole two blocks from my house on Labor Day. If it being that easy to participate isn't a hint that I should get my ass in gear, I don't know what is.

A little side note:
Throughout the whole journey of exercise and trying to get healthier, the one thing I never wanted to do was feel bad about not always being as fast or as aggressive as everyone else. I knew there would be times when I wouldn't meet my goals. I refused to feel guilty, because those kinds of negative emotions just set me down the path of failure (totally have a duh! moment here as it relates to other parts of my life). If there is any piece of advice I can give to others, especially those with a lot to lose, that is it. You can't make excuses either, but you need to find your own pace as you move forward. You don't need to apologize to anyone or feel bad about that. All that matters is making progress.

Here to There

This lovely post is inspired by the inspiring Heather. Talking about being fat is hard. No matter what kind of person you are, your life and your values are judged by the size of your waist. No matter how open minded you are, I would bet that just about everyone has judged someone else for what they perceive is their relationship with food. There are people that think we shouldn't get health insurance because it is our fault we are fat. There are people who don't understand who fortunate genetics have been to them. There are also people like Heather who are willing to talk about something that too often isn't talked about. So this is for Heather.

Doing the Shred, or any exercise, when you're obese is hard. If you work out, consider doing it while carrying around your 32 pound toddler. Wouldn't be easy would it? Now consider trying to do it with three of them. That is what it is like to exercise when you're obese. (for this example, we're going with what I was overweight by when I started, around 100 pounds)

Your knees, while admirably (maybe) supporting the weight you carry, do not like extra impact. Your lungs, while hopefully successfully supplying your body with oxygen, likely don't have much extra capacity for things like jumping jacks or butt kicks. It feels incredibly defeating to realize that you can't do the things that seem to come so easily to other people. It can make you want to give up.

I was really lucky when I started doing the Shred. While I have never been awesome when it comes to cardio, I knew that my body was capable of doing a lot. Granted, I was twenty-three the last time I really made it do anything, but I knew I had it in me. The thing I learned very quickly is that you have to start somewhere when going from here to there. It is a path of small steps, especially to start with.

For my knees, I started taking glucosomine. I'm not sure if it did anything to help, but even if it was all in my head, it was worth it. I also took every low impact modification on the Shred that I could. I replaced higher impact cardio exercises with the low impact ones when I just could do it. (god I love punches) I almost immediately went out and got new shoes. I realized I couldn't do some of the abs stuff because of my flabby stomach, so I repeated the exercises I could do when it came to the ones I couldn't (I still do that some). I stuck with it long enough to see that the third time was easier than the second time that was easier than the first time.

I got a good sports bra (well, I had one, but had never used it). I got mine from Title 9. They have great options for the big boobed, or just floppy boobed. If you aren't getting hit in the face by your boobs, exercise is a lot more fun. I also got good wicking pants. For me, I could do XXL from Target. If larger than that, I found a great site in JMS.

When it came to walking and eventually running, it wasn't any different. I started walking half a mile at a time. That is like five blocks. That is nothing to people who are remotely in shape. However, it was huge for me. Every few days I pushed myself farther. I pushed myself faster.

The most important thing I did was get myself a cheering squad. I participated in the Shredheads. Real life, online, it doesn't matter. I have nearly completely given up, but I didn't because I had the support of a community. Last fall was hard, and I quit for awhile, but I am back here, getting up at 5:30 in the morning (two days and counting) because I know that when it gets hard, there will be people here to help me.

Idle Hands

My first week (mostly) sugar free seems to have gone pretty well. I ended up eating a piece of good dark chocolate most days, just to get over the hump, and I didn't notice that the pasta sauce I used had sugar in it (Newman's Own of all things) until after I'd already enjoyed a decent serving on my whole grain pasta. I am beginning to feel like the withdrawal is waning.

The things I continue to struggle with are the ones that always give me trouble. One is my never-ending sweet tooth. When I did this before, I fed it with fruit. That is something I'm having and even harder time with. I am guessing it has a lot to do with the season. Dried is OK, but it doesn't take much and you've had too much. Along with that is of course the lack of good fresh produce in general. My big successes last summer had everything to do with the gigantic portions of fresh veggies I used to fill myself up. I think I'm adjusting, it is just taking time.

The other thing that always gets me is snacking when bored. When food is your comfort, it isn't just for stress anymore, it is for everything. That time, after dinner, before M goes to bed, that sucks. The time after she goes to bed, before my 8 PM cut off time for eating (which I have done a remarkably good job of respecting), is even worse. If I workout, I tend to be fine, but if I don't, I should install locks on the single serve bags of popcorn and dried fruit.

I've decided that the only way to resolve it is to keep my hands busy. If I'm focused on something else, then I won't be bored enough to want to nibble my time away. I should be working more on housework, but while a super clean house would be nice, I think it would leave me more miserable if all I did was clean.

Instead, I'm going to go back to doing some knitting. Not just any knitting either, I'm going to take on new challenges, as well as a really large project that is overdue to for my sweet husband. The first I started this weekend. They are a pair of cabled wrist warmers. I took this original pattern, couldn't seem to get it to work, then completely ripped it out a few times and reworked it in to my own pattern. There are still more improvements I'd like to make, so after I finish the pair, I may do it again. I just didn't want to start over another time when there is nothing really wrong with them, I just want to try more complicated cables.

Diet & Exercise

Lately I've been getting a lot more notice for the weight I've lost. It may be that the last 10 pounds came off rather quickly, or how I finally got some clothes that actually fit me. Inevitably the question that comes up is "How?". The answer I usually give doesn't tell the whole story. There is so much more than eating right and exercising more.

Timing is everything. My kid was finally sleeping through the night, I weaned (at 18 months!) and I lost weight between Thanksgiving and Christmas without even trying.

Sometimes you need a push. Finding out that I had a major risk of eventually being a Type 2 Diabetic gave me all the push I needed. I am still at risk, but it is lessening every day.

You deserve to make an investment in yourself. Having good shoes, clothes that fit and are comfortable to exercise in, and even taking the time are so important. Sure, the running shoes were expensive, but so is a lifetime of going to the Dr. for diseases you can prevent. Not to mention injuries from not having the right gear.

It will take time. It will take time both to see results and it will take time away from a busy day. This is about an investment too. I wouldn't be doing this without the support of my husband. The dishes can wait, the laundry will get done eventually, but it is important for me to exercise.

Eat your damn veggies. In case you were wondering, it is not 5 fruits and veggie servings total, it is more like 5 of each. The thing is, if you eat more vegetables, there is less room for the other crud. I grew up a vegetarian and it took a food diary website for me to realize this. Oh, and fruits matter too. Sure, they are expensive, but still cheaper than medication and Dr. bills. (especially with our current health care system)

Buy some new clothes. I've shopped my closet, but my body shape has changed drastically. I still look like I had sextuplets, the skin is going to take time. Buying clothes that fit my body now not only gets me compliments (which I love) but also helps me see my own progress. Shop sales, outlet malls, consignment, or do clothing swaps with friends/coworkers. My new favorite pair of jeans came from a woman I work with who is a size ahead of me in loss. My size 18's are going to another coworker who is on the same path.

Never give up. I've slowed down, I've gained back a pound or two, but I never let it stop me. There have been bad months, there have been bad days, and I'm still doing this. I've taken strength from the community I am a part of. If I can do this, anyone can.

I will always be a fat girl.

I've been wondering if I was leaving my girls behind, what with all of this healthy living and loss of a toddler (cannot even believe that what I've lost is more than what my daughter weighs) on my part. I've been worried that I was abandoning a group that has been good to me.

Fat girls bond over limit clothing choices, Lane Bryant not making a-line skirts (pencil skirts not flattering people), big boobs, discrimination for our size and how much we hate being where we are. We encourage each other to leave the club behind. Nothing beats going in to your favorite fat girl store and realizing little there fits any more and having the sales people who have seen your progress cheer you on. Skinny girls may criticize your food choices or your cellulite, but fat girls love you for who you are, in good times and in bad.

I've realized I'm not leaving them however. No matter how much weight I lose, no matter how shapely my calves are (and they're looking good), I won't forget where I've been. I will look past a person's size to see who they really are and I will speak out when others don't. I will share what I've gone through, because everyone should know that anyone can do it. Even if I never lost another pound, I know that I've accomplished so much.

Apparently I've been glowing lately. People at work have commented about my weight loss. The woman at the Gap who saw me just a few weeks ago trying on the new fits of jeans and being disappointed that they didn't fit, saw me today own a pair of khaki's. She and I shared tips for healthy meals and encouraged each other. Knowing that how I'm feeling on the inside shows on the outside is just one more push to keep going. The other thing that helps is everyone's encouragement here. I've never been one for meetings, but I have always felt at home in a digital world. It doesn't surprise me that this is the place that has helped it all finally work for me. I want to thank everyone who encourages me. You make me not want to let you down, and I know that I would not be losing weight if it weren't for the Shredheads, Julie, Christina and everyone else. Thank you, really, I mean it.

20 Pounds Down, 65 to Go

Beginning of March, pre 30 Day Shred.

Today, 20 pounds lighter.

Pre 30 Day Shred

Today, 20 pounds lighter and continuing onward.


What a difference 20 pounds makes. That makes 35 since I started losing weight, and 65 to go.