Little Voices

I have always sort of felt that my body had betrayed me when it came to food. I never seemed to get that whole "you're satisfied, quit eating" thing. I never really heard a damn thing until it got to the "holy, hanah, are we ever stuffed" point. That whole reasonable portion thing never seemed to work for me.

Maybe it was a childhood with a killer metabolism (I could out eat just about anybody, and still was skinny, pre-puberty), maybe it was just my brain's screwy wiring. You know, the stuff that causes depression, and in some in my family, addiction.

Whatever it was, it never seemed to be there.

So, based on a part of the whole "fat acceptance" movement (oh, I could write a lot about that) I've been trying lately to not worry about every little calorie that I take in, and just listen, really good and hard, to what my body is trying to tell me. Eat when I am hungry, not just because it is "lunch time". Stop when I am satisfied, not stuffed. Eat the foods that I crave, trusting that my body knows what it needs.

So far, it seems to be working. Well, sort of. I hear it. There are however some conflicting voices in there. Namely the one saying, "you're stressed, you deserve the candy". I'm pleased that the good voice is really there. I don't feel like I'm quite so broken anymore. I just wish the other voice wasn't winning out so much.

Going in to BlogHer, to go along with my commitment to running, I'm going to try to let the good voice win out. Perhaps while imagining it as a cartoon dog dressed as an angel on my shoulder. Just to help it out, I'm going to do my best to keep healthier snacks available. If the stress does win out, at least I can give it something better than a Twix for it's trouble.

I would run 100 miles...

... and I would run 100 more. Just to be the one who ran 100 miles to fall down at your door...

Since I started tracking my mileage on Daily Mile, I've run 100 miles.

I swear, just check out the nifty widget over there on the right.

If that isn't motivating, I don't know what is.

*Apologies to the Proclaimers for changing the lyrics to their song. They put on what was by far one of the best concerts I've ever seen. Only thing that would have made it better was not having the creepy blind date along... Good thing Scottish accents make up for most everything.

The Long and the Short of It

I have an odd body of sorts. It is the body of someone who once weighed over 300 pounds (while pregnant), the body of a mom and the body of somebody who while getting healthier, still loves cookies and ice cream perhaps a bit too much. I carry my weight relatively evenly, with a concentration of excess skin and some fat around my mid section. (I believe the semi technical term is "apron" but I find that moderately annoying) I also carrying some excess skin and flabbyness in my inner thighs. My upper thighs, even at my skinniest, have always rubbed together. I also have some serious calves. I have ever since I was a swimmer.

It is not your average runner's body, and it likely never will be.

Finding clothes that work for me is hard. Finding running clothes that work for me is near impossible. I need something that fits my body, but doesn't really show much of it. I also need something that is wicking, since I sweat like a... well, lets just say I'll need a towel after the BlogHer 5K more than I'll need breakfast.

For shirts I wear a XXL singlet from Champion's Target line. It is a little short for my comfort, but it does the job. I can't imagine sleeves in weather like this. After having seen what my husband got for himself, I may hit the men's section next time to get a longer singlet.

For shorts so far the only things I've liked is the REI OXT Fleet Short 6" inseam women's running short. They are roomy, but not too baggy, long enough not to ride up, they cover the parts that rub, they have a drawstring so I can cinch them in, and they have a long enough rise. They also have the built in undies, which are nice, believe it or not. You just have to wash them every time you wear them.

I tried a Moving Comfort plus size short, but the rise was too short, and it didn't cover the tummy skin. I want to try some of the options from Athleta, since they have a some non cotton Bermuda length shorts. I also think I may try tights at some point, or spandex shorts. That would be when a longer shirt would be nice. Or maybe a skirt without anything underneath. I am also looking at this skirt from REI. In fact, the whole OXT line looks good. I'm especially fond of the fact that they have extended sizes. Not that I need them now, but I know how hard finding good fitness clothing can be when you don't fit the norm. I am beyond frustrated that a number of women's fitness clothing companies stop all of the serious gear at size 14. I'm looking at you Title 9.

What do you like? I am always open to suggestions.

Disclosure: The only connection to anything mentioned is that I am an REI Coop member. I get a dividend, but only for money I actually spend.

Running Haiku

When I run, it is a constant inner dialog reminding me of proper form. Like a haiku playing over and over again in my head

Head up, shoulders back
Eyes on the path, abs sucked in
Don't over pronate

Focus on breathing
Keep moving, you can do it
Watch your foot placement

I repeat it over and over again as the exhaustion kicks in and I have to work that much harder.

Head up, shoulders back
Eyes on the path, abs sucked in
Don't over pronate

Focus on breathing
Keep moving, you can do it
Watch your foot placement

I remember to pace my breathing. I focus on my abs and making sure my core is stable. I pay attention to how my knee feels. I watch the time and push myself to go faster if I need to.

I can feel the muscles in my stomach, my legs, my arms. I can visualize running without the burden of all this extra fat and skin. I keep that in my mind when it gets hard.

There are times, every time I get out there, when I think about not doing it. When I consider just walking instead, like I used to. It is a conscience choice to commit to this. I make the choice every time, because I know the pay off is worth it. I can see the progress I am making. It was small at first. It is becoming more noticeable all the time. I am running under a 15 minute mile. I am adding distance. I am making progress.

Learning Experience: Fat Girl Running Edition

Things I have learned as a fat girl running:

1. Thin fabrics and short lengths do not work in running skirts. I have too much floppy skin/fat on my inner thighs and it just can't hold its own against that part of my body. (but huge kudos to Running Skirts for the amazing customer service)

2. KT Tape is no match for the size of my knees and the amount I sweat. It lasted (mostly) through one run. Not long enough to justify the price for day to day. Perhaps for races though.

3. Random large men in large Cadillacs will give you props for your running when you dash across the street to get home.

4. So far I have found exactly one pair of running shorts that actually work (as in don't ride up) and that I am not completely freaked out to be seen in. It doesn't help that I have some extra belly skin and I'm tall. I suspect either of those things not being an issue would increase my choices.

5. This would not be possible without the support I get from a very diverse group of people online.

6. Morning comes way earlier than you want it to. It is however the only way to beat 90 degree heat.

Fat Girl Running

The whole time I've been doing the Couch to 5K, I've been focused on just making it through so I could make it to the next thing. There was always the next interval to make it to.

I'm here. I'm at the last interval. I can run 30 minutes.

The next part, this part I'm not so sure about.

I need to go faster, and I need to go farther.

I don't know how to get there. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this.

Tonight when I was running, I felt fat for the first time since I started this. The faster I try to go, the more that I bounce. It is uncomfortable and frustrating.

So I think the next thing is to just keep trying to farther. The pace I'm going is slow, but it is going none the less. It is doing what it needs to do right now. Maybe I'll always be really slow.

Who knows though. Maybe the fast will happen some day.

Excuse Me While I Melt

There are few words to explain how I hate the heat. It is a deep seated hatred. Compounded by the fact that I don't like to use hate, because my mom's word from when I was a kid still ring in my ears. "Hate is a strong word." I dislike the heat. I hate heat with humidity.

If I afford/convince my family of it, I would move to Seattle, Portland or San Francisco.

There are a few things I can do in the heat. Dip my feet in an icy cold kiddie pool, drink cold beverages, or sit, very still, in the shade, with a breeze. That pretty much covers it.

When I moved out east I discovered the joy that is central AC. It is a necessity in the DC area. When I moved to NYC I got a window AC unit and happily contributed to an urban heat island. Our house doesn't have central air, but we supplement with window units. I would be lost without them.

Of all of the things I have not enjoyed even a little in the heat, exercise is close to the top of the list.

That was before.

Before I realized that I actually like to run. Before I ran in the pouring rain. Before I went to physical therapy for my knee, so I could make sure it wasn't an excuse. Before I got up at 5:15, so I could leave the house at 5:30, so I could go for a run, beating the heat, sort of, and still have enough time to shower, shave my legs and catch the early bus. (so, I forgot my lunch, the Subway was good)

Just because I did it, doesn't mean that I haven't learned my lesson a little.

On Saturday I was dreaming of better gear. Today I realized that it needs to be more than a dream if I am going to be able run in the hot and humid of a Minnesota summer. I need a lightweight hat. I need a hair cut. I need some proper wicking bottoms.

I went online to REI and got two pairs of running shorts. They are longer, loose, and more traditional. I still have doubts that they won't bunch and ride up, but I need to give it a chance. They both have built in liners, so that should solve my undie problem. If they don't work, I resort to... the spandex shorts. Then I cut the liners out of these and wear them over the spandex because OMG, no one needs to see that. I even see, in my future, tights.

Next I'm looking for a good hat, something light, since half the reason I wear a hat is because sun on black hair, not comfortable at all. After that, who knows. I know that I love this more than I thought I would ever love exercise. I know I wouldn't be here without Liz. She's been having a rough go of it, but I wouldn't have actually started the #C25K if it wasn't for her.

Thanks Liz. You can do it.

PS. I ran 8 minutes straight this morning. Yes, that would be at 5:30 AM! Boo freaking yeah!

With a Little Help

Tonight I did Week 4 of C25K. For the third time. By all rights, I should be using this opportunity to move on to Week 5, but I won't be doing it.

I want to succeed at this. I NEED to succeed at this. I find it so easy to give up sometimes, and I know I can't give up on this. There is a prize at the end and it is having the life that I want. So, I don't move on until I know I have mastered the current week. I don't move on until I know I will succeed when I try the next. It is a feeling, where I don't struggle through every run. It is when I can sprint at the end of the runs and really open up my lungs and stretch out my legs.

Last week, during all that rain and miserable cold weather, A said something to me that stung. When I said that I wasn't going out, he said that that was the me that he knew. Finding excuses.

Before you think that he was just being and ass, because I sort of did that already, know this. He knows me very well. He knows that sometimes to really get motivated, I need to get pissed.

So instead of making excuses, or just doing the Shred, I went out, and ran, in the pouring rain. When I called him out on the whole giving up thing, he did point out that it worked. He knew exactly what he was saying to me and why. I am so lucky that I have someone that will support me through all of this.

He hangs with the kid, gets baths ready, and often puts her to bed. He does it without complaining one little bit. It makes me want to not give up. It makes me run when I have a tickle in the back of my throat. It makes me run when I don't want to. It is what is going to make this a success.

This last March we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. I wanted to write a post for him, but I couldn't figure out what to write. From the beginning, our relationship has felt private, and special, and I didn't know what if anything I wanted to share. However, here a couple of months later, I finally figured it out. I wouldn't be where I am right now, if I didn't have his love and support.

Happy (late) Anniversary honey bunches.

A Wee Bit of Ripping Off

Bless me father Jillian for I have sinned.

As of today it has been three days since my last run.

In that time I have eaten piles and piles some sugary treats. I have also imbibed of just one Leinie at the game alcohol and four pieces a little bit of pizza. not to mention all of the damn fine kettle chips.

Apparently my body did need some major traumatic possibly life changing events a little break, so it wasn't all bad. I finally started losing weight again five freaking weeks after starting the Couch to 5K.

Don't worry, for my penance I have already made the ultimate a little sacrifice. I did Week 4 of the C25K. In 48 degree weather. And pouring rain.


I ran for 5 minutes (TWICE!) in the pouring rain and lived.

Boo Freaking Yeah!

PS. I am not trying to offend any Catholics, I swear.

The Bee's (slightly tweaked) Knees

Dear Week 3,

I just can't quit you.

Sincerely,

A. Sprout


I've sort of been half assing (it is a word, I swear) participation in Liz's challenge, but I'm making it official.

Week 3 kicked my behind, or well, my knee, all over the place. Friday, it started hurting a little. Saturday, I ran again because I needed to get one more Week 3 in. Sunday, any time I left it bent or stood on it for too long, it was killing me. I still had to mow the lawn however, so I powered through. When giving M a bath on Sunday before bed, all of that kneeling on the hard bathroom floor did me in. I spent some quality time with Dr. Google and determined that I had runner's knee. Common, but you know, consult a professional.

One thing that I've learned is that all of the normal rules don't always apply when you're doing fitness activities and obese. I bet those little stick figure like people would have issues if they carried around a 60 pound backpack while gleefully jogging down the path too. (bitter, who me? ) Before I ever considered C25K, I spent close to a year walking and building endurance. I dropped 30 pounds. I can't even imagine doing this when I weighed 260. You have to listen closely to your body when you have this much extra stress on it. When they say consult a Dr. before beginning, they mean it.

So, yesterday, even though I was pretty sure I knew what the issues and solutions were, I went to see a Physical Therapist. I want to be in this for the long haul. Getting hurt and having to stop is not an option I want to even consider.

The good news is, Dr. Google was mostly right and it is a common issue with easy solutions. The therapist, and her assistant, were supportive and encouraging. (part of the reason I went with a female PT) They were able to easily identify the issue and give me information on what I needed to do next.

I am very lucky. I don't have to get a referral to see a PT. I went right to the subject matter expert (SME if you're really a geek) and didn't waste any time not training.

I'm repeating Week 3 again because my lungs just don't feel up to going beyond 3 minutes. However, last night (4th time on Week 3 workout) I started to feel like I was breaking through. I was recovering faster and not ending the interval completely out of breath. Tonight, a nice little walk trying to beat the rain. Tomorrow I'm back at it again with another Week 3.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go stand on my tiptoes, do a mime routine with a wall and invisible chair, and lunge a little. I love PT homework, really I do.

While I'm Doing the C25K

There is something blissful about having close to an hour nearly every day to myself. It doesn't matter how hard I am pushing my body, it feels indulgent to not be catering to the every need of a kid, husband, or housework. I think, about a lot of things. Here are just some of the things I think about:

If my body doesn't start dropping weight soon, I'm going to cry.
My knee really hurts. Stop it knee. I need you to work so I can get skinny and make you happy.
You can do this
You are better than this
I'm pretty sure I'm close to the end of this three minute run, I think it was just after the first chorus in this song.
Stand up straight, no one is as worried about your stomach flapping around as you are.
What do they call that stupid bit of fat/skin that hangs down where the sun doesn't shine, skirt? Stupid thing. I hope I can meet my goals and justify that tummy tuck.
Running? Again? OK, you can do this.
I wonder how stupid I look and sound to the people out walking their dogs, all huffy and puffy.
Screw them, I'm Wonder Woman.
She's just walking in her high waistband jeans up to her damn bra, I'm running dammit.
God, if I ever wear jeans that look like that, somebody shoot me. A muffin top looks better than that.
I wonder if I dress crappy enough to be on What Not to Wear.
Is Clinton Kelly gay or straight? What am I thinking, it is none of my business.
Running. Time to run.
Even out your stride, or your other knee is going to get messed up.
Stand up straight, look ahead.
I said straight.
Stupid pollen, this sucks.
You can do it.
You can do it.
You can do it.
Almost there, don't slow down, you can do it.
OK, there is no way in hell I am going to do Week 4 next week. I'm repeating, for real this time. Maybe by then everything will stop blooming.

Athletic Ability

I am not an athlete. I have never been an athlete. I tried in middle school to be on the swim team. I was horrid. There is at least one of my friends from back then that reads this blog and can attest to that. (I am not counting my mother, she always remembers things as being rosy) I gave up swimming for theater and speech team. I even made up my own game in gym class (with some other equally non athletes) to get out of playing the dreaded volleyball. (my hate for that game rises from the fact the damn ball always hit me in the face, on my glasses)

My one and only stint of decent fitness came from Tae Kwon Do and some incredibly well channeled anger from my first broken heart. Also, I got a kick out of impressing the guys in the weight room at the CC with my ability to do squats. Which may relate back to the broken heart more than a little.

Today was Couch to 5K - Week 3 - Day 1. Today I jogged (very slowly) for three minutes straight. I didn't pause, I didn't give up, I didn't walk. I made sure I went from "now" to "now". (now is the trigger word I have set to the exact times on my podcast) Then, I did it again. I did something I would have never thought I would be doing. It took real work not to break down and cry when I finished that first three minute interval. I knew that hyperventilating would not be good for my recovery walk. I felt like a real athlete.

When I am doing those running intervals I feel powerful. I feel like I can take on the world. I feel like a runner. I feel like a real athlete.

I work to make sure my posture is good. That one is hard because my inclination when my boobs are squished down is to try to hide my stomach. The more I run, the easier it gets. I also have been focusing on breath control more. I know that with asthma, specifically exercise induced asthma, it is is important that I not let myself get too out of breath. I pay attention to my hips, knees and feet. I have to conscientiously make sure that I am not favoring whatever body part was recently giving me trouble, for fear of messing something else up in the process. It is very much a meditative process for me.

The process I started last year, with the Shredheads, then with walking all summer, and then starting C25K this year, is something I don't ever intend to give up. I have passed the 21 days to a new habit many times over. I have taken breaks for cold weather, but by the time spring arrived I was already itching to get out and back to my routine. Spring picked a good year to come early.

I cannot thank Liz & Missy for being the final push I needed to embark on this. I cannot wait until we can all get together and celebrate this together.

Running Without Being Chased

After five times doing Week 1, partially because I wasn't sure if I was ready for week 2, partially scheduling, and partially who are we kidding, it just scared the crap out of me, I am ready to move on to Week 2. You know, on Monday. Well, maybe tomorrow. To heck with resting days.

So far, this is going incredibly well. Better than I could have ever hoped for really. Music motivates me and the podcasts are doing exactly what I want them to do. However, after three times, the same sequence of music does tend to get a bit old. So, I went out and bought myself a USB microphone, and recorded my own podcasts. (why yes, I am a geek, nice to meet you) All of a sudden, having a Mac makes perfect sense. I have a very, very, very, trust me, eclectic music collection. It makes for some pretty fun and interesting running music choices. Think, Beyonce' meets the 80's and a little roots rock for good measure.

The other thing that is going well is managing my asthma. It was rough there for a bit, seeing as my major allergy is to trees, and well, it has been a bad spring for that. However, getting the diagnosis and getting the treatment last year has really changed how I feel about exercise. I am pretty sure that this has been a lifelong thing. I grew up with one of my primary caregivers smoking in the home. (My grandma Marie) I also grew up around wood smoke, lots of it. I tried once, just once, to run after realizing that I forgot to use my inhaler before I left the house. That will never happen again.

Running right now, with it's intense exercise, is keeping me sane. A knows this too, which is why when I say "I have to go run" he never argues, never complains about who is doing more primary kid care. Meeting my goals of running a 5K seems very much in reach now. In reach enough that I may be just crazy enough to say that at some point in my life, I want to run a half-marathon. Well, maybe I should start with small steps. How about a 10K?

PS. I am trying to figure out a way to publish my podcasts. As well as maybe polish them up a little bit. I really enjoying hearing people's suggestions for music, so at a minimum I am going to do a post at some point with the full play lists. If nothing else than to make somebody laugh.