It is not a sprint, it is a marathon...

... run by someone who is out of shape, and has never done this before, and isn't entirely sure what she is doing.

I have to remind myself, when I don't lose weight like I want to, when I have a bad week and I eat out a lot, when I just can't make it through my day without chocolate, that this is not about if every single day is a good day. It is about making the right choices more often than I don't, and hitting the big goals, not worry about what the scale says on a daily basis.

Overall, my stamina is great. There isn't a week that goes by where I don't get out and exercise at least twice, usually three or four times. Bad days aside, my portions are smaller and my food choices are better. I am moving in the right direction. Just very slowly.

Tonight I took pictures of myself. Like those ones I took way back when. It took some flipping back and forth, but it is there, it is visible, even semi nekkid. It is there in the way my clothes fit, and how my boss keeps telling me it is showing (she is one of my best cheerleaders and I love it).

It shows in how last night I went for a 3.3 mile walk, despite cracks in my calloused heels and blisters on my feet. That tonight I walked another two miles with Kristen, then came home to install my new girly seat so tomorrow I can ride in to work. I may go days without doing stuff, but it never lasts that long. I can't imagine going in to this winter and letting up on this. I'm already plotting how to fit in going to gym downtown during the day.

So, thanks Kristen, and Julie, and Christina. I'm getting there, slowly, but I am getting there. It may take a couple of BlogHer's, but I'll be the skinny bitch eventually.

PS. Weight, still hovering around 232-235. Though there was the day it was 231.something I nearly died. WHEN it drops below 230 I'll likely throw a party.

I am not full of ...

Tonight I was going to skip exercise. I skipped last night because we were out with A's brother's family celebrating M's birthday. (I had dessert, it was a beautiful thing) I'm also maybe possibly coming down with a cold, so I figured I'd earned some rest.

Then this little voice in my head was like,

Seriously? You're seriously going to make that excuse? You can do a silly little walk. It isn't raining. It is pretty nice, and you're going to make some lame ass excuse about being a little sick. Do you not remember that you found even MORE clothes in the closet that fit you now? You're not that far away from the entire size 16 collection of really cool clothes. Get up off of your ass and go for a fucking walk.

So I did, and then just to prove to the little voice in my head that I am not full of it, and I am becoming a changed woman, I decided to start my version of the Couch to 5K and run part of my walk. Two mile walk, I did 30 second (or so, I've timed it before and it is around 2 blocks so that is what I did) jogs 5 times.

I may not be losing much weight, but this change that has happened with me exercise wise is weird. I have no idea where it comes from most days. Maybe I should have listened to the voices earlier. Granted, I think they used to say, "Eat the cookie, it's only one cookie." repeatedly.

Reconciling yoga past and yoga present

When I was little, I was flexible. I used to fold myself into pretzel like shapes to watch TV. I would get in to little pissing contests with my 60 year old grandmother about who could do better back bends. I have been exposed to Yoga since I was a little kid. My favorite position, Plow.

The last time I did yoga was when I lived in NY and I would do it occasionally at the gym I belonged to. I weigh around 50-60 pounds more than I did then.

Today I had my first real yoga class in 8 years.

I can't do some poses right because my fat stomach gets in the way. I can't do some poses right because years of knitting and typing have caused a cyst in my wrist. I can't breath properly because I failed to realize that yoga is exercise and duh, I should use my inhaler. It was harder than I ever remember because, duh again, I'm trying to hold up and stretch out 60 more pounds of me.

It was emotional. I was happy it was dark because it was at work, and the last thing I need is the app guys I work with seeing me cry because I can't do a fucking downward facing dog.

I'm going back and doing it again next Friday, and for the next five or so Fridays. I will get better, and I've got the Biggest Loser weight loss yoga to help me get better with my poses in a well lit environment where I can pause and make sure I get it right.

It would have been a lot worse if it wasn't for how well my clothes are fitting me.