The People and the Potato

I have far more social anxiety than I had realized. I swear, this is something that has happened over time. When I was three, I used to walk up to people and introduce myself and ask them to be my friend. This weekend I followed my roomie around like a lost puppy, afraid to be involved in the conversations she was in, and afraid to start my own. I was trying my best to make sure that if I said something, it was something that was worth the air I was expelling. I believe I may have finally hit my groove Saturday night, or perhaps Sunday morning on a cab ride to the airport.

No, I do not think that more alcohol would have helped.

I went up to my room at regular intervals to just relax and breathe. I know more than once I excused myself when I wanted to stay and talk and enjoy. I hope to hell that I didn't offend anyone, and I've kept replaying situations in my mind, wishing that I had done things differently. But I didn't, I did what I did, and I can only hope that next year I do better.

That does not mean that the weekend wasn't without some little moments that still make me giddy.

I met Mrs. Potato Head.

I don't care what you say, she may not have been a Muppet, but that girl makes me look skinny.

I got to hold both of these babies. Including the part where I accidentally hid Amy's iPhone under my purse. I'm still sorry about that.


I sat and talked to The New Girl, more than once, and I'm completely floored by how funny and sweet she is. She made me feel very comfortable. I hear therapists are good at doing that.

I met a famous chef, told him how wonderful his fine restaurant's take on a kid's menu is, and then blamed him for my marriage.

I ate breakfast with a Rookie Mom.


I went and took some pictures to help me relax.


I ate Cheeseburgerherz, talked to a local writer, and made plans to go eat Chinese with her, soon, I promise.

There were so many more people. I still haven't gone through my business cards, I fear for my feed reader, but I am so happy. Things will be changing here, just a little at first, but I have a clear idea of what kind of blogger I want to be, what kind of writer I want to be. And next year, because there will be a next year, I will be at BlogHer, talking to everyone. Just try and keep me quiet.

Part 2 - I Matter

I have tried to write this a million times, OK, maybe just three or four, but I just can't get it right. Here it goes again, maybe this one will stick.

I went to BlogHer to find my community. I went to find people who loved to write and weren't afraid to lay at least part of themselves out online. I went to meet the women (and a guy or two) who I loved reading. The women who made parenting and life seem so much less isolating. I also went with the odd hope that if I passed out a few business cards that maybe I would get a few more people to read what I write. I won't lie, people reading and commenting on what I write helps. I may do this for me at the heart of it, but if I didn't care what other people thought, this would all be in a word document on my computer somewhere, not laid out naked on the Internet. I went to challenge myself to be more out there, to let the real me out of the box so to speak. I went terrified. I left feeling empowered.

I have tried to write out a list of all the amazing people that I met, all of the things that I heard, but it all blurs together in to a happy feeling in the pit of my stomach. There were times when the swag and my own insecurities had me wanting to leave, to shut down my blog, take my ball and go home.

I didn't go to nearly enough sessions, mostly because the ones I wanted to see were mostly at the same time. The first was good. It was about the ever elusive balance. I went to not feel alone, and I left feeling like I wasn't the only one struggling with a full time job, a family, and a blog. I was starting to feel like I could hit my groove. Especially when I got to spend a little time Friday afternoon just chilling with The New Girl (who is just as funny in person) and Kristen in a suite. Followed by a lovely party thrown by the folks from Method. Their stuff is ALL over my house (purchased by me thank you very much) and I enjoyed their copious amounts of veggies. Then Friday night the big party that I had all of my put all of my hopes (and a great dress) on, left me off of the list despite my RSVP. (I'm still trying to not feel bitter about that)

After a call to the husband on Friday night that included a pep talk, I sucked it up and was determined to have a better day Saturday.

I went to another breakout session, the Women of Color and Marketing Room of Their Own. I wasn't sure why I was there, I just knew that I wanted to see women that I found inspiring. Kelly was one of the first people to comment on this blog and I look forward to her posts like a drug, Stefania is the reason I can call myself a semi professional writer, and HeatherB makes me laugh and think and laugh some more. (and yes, I now read Karen's blog too)

I was not disappointed. Not only did I hear from these wonderful women, but also members of the audience. I listened and I learned about the power of community, the power of humor, and how we all have a responsibility to our community both online and offline. I was able to be a part of a discussion that I don't think could happen without blogging, without something like BlogHer to bring it all together. I realized that because of that session, things will change. It may take time, it may be small steps, but there are things that are going to change. It made me realize that despite all of the BS, despite all of the drama de jour, that it is worth it. I left that session determined to be a good writer, to be a good citizen, and to be more willing to introduce myself and talk to people. I have something to say and it matters, we all matter.

PS. Thank you to the beautiful and gracious women who have linked back to me. It is the greatest flattery of all.

BlogHer '09 - Part 1

Sorry I didn't post during, for those of you living through me. It was just so much. It was crushing, overwhelming, intimidating, relaxing, joyful, terrifying, beautiful and crazy, with a side of maybe some PMS thrown in for fun. I want and need to write about it. I'm sorry if you don't want to read about it, but one of the things I learned this weekend was that you really need to blog for no one but yourself. So, this is for me. I'm dividing things up, since there is so very much to process.

The Swag

There has been a lot of comments, a lot of tweets, and I am sure a lot of posts to come about the swag. I'll admit it, the thought of people wanting to give me things for free is a little exciting. I like being an early adopter, I like learning about new products, and well, I'm a bit of a consumer. I fight it, but unless you've been living in a hole, we are all consumers. There is the "cool stuff you can't get anywhere else" factor coming in to play as well. That being said, what I saw this year made me sick. What may have been an "ooo, cool swag bag" at a party another year turned in to violence this year. Hand shaped bruises on Mommy Need's Coffee's arm, stories of babies that were elbowed in the head, swag stolen off of luggage carts before it could reach a party (and individual blog owners who were to get bags in return for sponsorship being left out) and suites that trapped unsuspecting people, almost left me with a change of heart about blogging and BlogHer. For all of my appreciating the swag, I have never once felt I was entitled to it. That clearly wasn't how everyone felt.

I heard the new bloggers being blamed for all of the ills of the swag and other things. The problem I have with that is that if you want to get technical, I'm a new blogger. However, while I want my opinion to be valued and requested, I don't want to be a corporate shill. While I'm not above entering a contest here and there, I don' think I will ever want you to give me free stuff because "I'm a mommy-blogger".

There has to be a way for it to work. I think bloggers add value to the whole product process. I think we have power to support and encourage small businesses. The kinds that can't afford a PR firm but that support us in return. I think we can bring about change (I hear something good came out of Camp Baby). I think BlogHer, being a huge gathering of bloggers, is a great way to reach us. Something has to give however.

There has to be something that allows the sponsorships of the conferences, the support of bloggers, and the dialogue, without selling both us and the companies themselves short. I saw some little things that worked. I saw things given without pitches or obligations. Things I was excited to see and try out. I was allowed to give opinions and feedback to brands I love and ones I have issues with. I saw parties turned to no swag zones (I still hope you take my idea on the women's shelter donation) and swag given out late in a party to encourage you know, actual partying.

Sometimes I think that things have to go horribly wrong before we figure out how to find balance. I hope that this was the extreme. I'm sure people sponsoring and giving out swag don't want to be judged by the actions of few either. We need to talk about this so things can change.

ETA: Part two.