Full

 I chase fullness. Completeness.  I chase it like a woman starving for a drink.  I chase it even though I know it will never be caught.  I try to fill in the gaps with food, with things, with aimless uses of my time. I long for a feeling that I am enough to fill in all the holes without any assistance.  I will never be enough.
I use mantras, I use reinforcement, but it feels as if I am made of Teflon. Nothing sticks.  Except the weight. The weight adds up like nothing ever has.  The more my body grows, the more empty I feel.  The more space I take up the more invisible I am.
I’m lost.  I don’t know what to do next. Every time I restrict/diet, the viscious cycle hits me back harder than before. Like whatever I’ve lost adds to the inertia of the return.

I can’t feed my kid

H is seven.  I’ve been reflecting on those seven years as I try to except lain her issues with food. Try to understand it.  We’ve been dealing with her refusal to eat for seven years.  Her unexplained, mostly, odd issues with food. I’m trying to remember it all. Hoping for the magic realization that somehow makes it all make sense.
Born at 37 weeks.  Pushed off on my ribs to an unsuspecting ob.
First feeding issues around 10 months. Blamed on recurring ear infections. Wouldn’t nurse because of pain, caused low supply, hated low supply, wouldn’t nurse but always wanted to. Mom didn’t sleep, supply got worse, switched to formula to save sanity. Two sets of tubes. Soy formula.
Toddler would eat only food she wanted to. At daycare regulryvgot sandwich instead of healthy meal because refused to eat.  Liked fruit.  Tried to survive on Mac & cheese, cheeseburgers, and air.
Now won’t eat easy mac though she lived on it for ages.
In kindergarten, diagnosed with ADHD. Found out part way through year she never ate school lunch. She hated how it tasted. Tried multiple choices for packed lunches. Hot, cold, things she lied at home, bento style. Nothing seems to work. Have now settled on uncrustables, ouch apple sauce &some kind of cracker. Maybe finishes it 2/3 to 1/2 of days.
First grade, found to have not gained weight & basically stopped growing for a year. ADHD meds suspected. Dose dropped, added non stimulant.  Growing again but in firs & sports. Still has limited palate.
I can’t feed my kid and it is breaking me. I seem to gain what she should. I can’t focus on my eating while dealing with hers.  I can’t fix this and it hurts.

Moving Out

Everything seems to have worked just fine for the feeds, but on the off chance you are still coming here, I invite you over to my new home.

www.ameliasprout.com

I know, so grown up of me.

What to wear...

There have already been some great BlogHer posts, but a conversation today on Twitter got me thinking. Does all of us getting excited about what to wear and what we want to do put pressure on people that they don't need to have?

For the record, this is not about pressure. That just isn't me. Last year my excitement about what to wear was all around having lost 20+ pounds and getting new clothes. This year it is about being good and saving up so that I could get some new stuff for work, but wear it to BlogHer first.

First, let me say, that I would be most comfortable, if the weather cooperated, in jeans and a t-shirt. Not a raggy/baggy t-shirt, but something comfortable. Work requires that I dress up, but still be able to crawl under a desk. Yeah, not so easy. For people who live all the time in jeans and t-shirts, I can see how it would be nice to dress up. Me, I want to dress down.

That however does not jive much with me wanting to also be more professional this year. Also, it doesn't work with what I know NYC summer heat to be like. So, here are my suggestions, based on my personal style and choices.

1. If you are a t-shirt person, try to make it look more dressed up. My personal favorites are tiny gauge cotton sweaters with some nice detail like off center buttons or a ruffle. As comfortable and easy to care for as a t-shirt, but they look nicer.

2. Accessorize. At the beginning of the year I set a goal to wear more earring/jewelry. I am happy to say I have succeeded. While I do not understand the Statement Necklace, I am all for some awesome handmade earrings. I would be beyond sad if I lost my favorites, but none are so valuable that I am afraid to travel with them.

3. Dress for the evening. If you wear jeans, bring along a sparkly top for the parties. I'm bringing a sparkly top, to go with jeans, a cute dress, and another cute dress. I think. After a day of running around the conference, I definitely wanted to freshen up and change.

4. If you bring the cute high heels, and you aren't used to wearing them, break them in first. Good way to find out that they perhaps you are not a 12 in that brand like you thought you were, before you can't return them. Not that I would know anything about that... Bring comfy shoes for when you need them (like when you join me to get hotdogs for my birthday, it will be a hike) Also, don't mangle the back of your heel doing a home pedicure the day before you leave. You will spend lots of money trying to find a bandaid to protect yourself so you can wear the cute shoes. Again, not that I would know about that.

5. Bring your favorite most comfy clothes that are still publicly acceptable to travel home in. You will be beat. You will want comfort. I'm sad my favorite pair of traveling pants are too big to wear again this year. I'm on the hunt for something else.